25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Okay

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2738458#Post2738458

just trying to link my thread, so I can share & journal "out loud" here and b/c a lot of our experiences are universal,

while also intensely personal, too. Interesting juxtaposition.


Random thought about what life throws at us...I mean, the sudden sickness of 6 months ago really took a toll on me. Even so, the divorce I filed for took me by surprise. Why?

Why couldn't I wrap my brain around it??

I think it was due in part to the length of our marriage, and because I thought we were past this obsession, and past his selfishness which I can honestly say, is so extreme as to be unbelievable,

and b/c I felt "owed" by h,

and b/c I had hid my fears and so I did not see things I could have seen if I had dug deeper.

ALL ^^ of this was a lot, and my mom had died and our last went off to college

ETC ETC

losing a parent(s) is actually a "natural" event and so is our children leaving the home. Those were triggering events for ME, not h.

So I refuse to look at those events as things that changed him back...besides, he barely processed his own mothers' death as h does not look at ugly things that are painful to him, for long. In some ways he's the hardest worker I know and in some ways, the laziest - emotionally anyhow.

Anyhow, here's todays analogy.

Our first son was born when I was in law school, 8 weeks before h began med school.

Obviously he was "premature" by like 5 years.

When I first took the pregnancy test I did it kind of on a whim b/c we were going to a big party. I knew I'd drink some, and I noticed I had not had my cycle (we had been m for 5 years).

it came back positive and I was alone, and I literally prayed on my knees, before repeating the test (they come with 2). It came back positive too. Within 5 minutes, I went from being terrified and sort of dreading it,

to being nervously THRILLED...

I am not sure when our children would have come if we had "planned' them out b/c there was never ever going to be an easy or "convenient" time. Truly, it might not have happened at all, and we for sure would not have 3.

So God invaded my life and I've never been the same. Motherhood is by far the hardest, best, most draining, most rewarding terrifying satisfying experience of my life

and my children will always be my greatest achievement.

So maybe I need to embrace this "invasion" of single hood the same way.

Thoughts?

H was "off" with me for the past X amount of time (My estimates of when he was pulling away, vary, partly b/c of my recall and his inconsistencies and maybe b/c of his own uncertainty and my own blindness and trust??)

but for sure he was not good to me for several months in 2016, leading up to me filing.

he practically dared me to file, though he seemed or acted surprised when I did.

REGARDLESS of what h thought or planned blah blah blah

there were things I wanted to do as we approached retirement and I kept clinging to our original plans --all the things I really wanted to do, presumably with h...

who knows what he really planned on doing, or with whom? H loves hanging with his heroes and bff. His bff is a good man, married happily for 36 years (and btw, he's happy partly b/c he wants to be happy. He tries to be happy and his w does too).

I think my task for now is to redirect painful thoughts and plan on what I can do that I wanted to do,

without h. And to open my heart to someone else, in time...

and never hinder nor enable, h's r's with our children. I'm getting better at that.