Am I Dreaming or Played a Fool?

[25yearsmlc]

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday I felt like I was finally getting my emotions in check.

Today, a different story. It's amazing how your emotions ebb and flow during a sitch like this.

W seems to be on the good side of wanting to work it out, but she's annoying me because I think she has the just "sweep it under the rug" mentality. She not doing anything out of the ordinary to help her or me.

this^^ is a hard balancing challenge. On one hand, she's got to do a ton of work to earn your trust back and that's a fact. Work she may not realize fully or understand the pain she has caused AND OR work she wants to circumvent....neither of which is okay for your long term marriage.

on the other hand, you have to give her the chance, and the belief that someday you two will or can get past this. You cannot hold it over her head or throw it in her face every time you fight, and you will fight.

The worst choice is staying m, and miserable.

My suggestion is clarity on your end about what you need.


I have accumulated a bunch of knowledge from this forum and in the DR book and I just want to throw all the material at her, but know I can't. Should I be telling her what to do? Guiding her? or... should I sit back and wait till she gets moving. Why do I have to do the heavy lifting, when W is the one who had the A???? Doesn't she owe me?

oh my I see me in you here^^.

Sigh...everyone has work of their own, including healing. So there's no "Sitting back" for you.

There is heavy lifting for you, no matter what she does. As for her "owing" you.

Well, yeah, she does owe you, and I get that. But it's you being a strong man on your own, a forgiving but wiser man, whom she will want to "repay",

not an angry weak man who says he wants to work on the m but really will come off as punishing.

NOT b/c you want to punish her consciously, (or maybe at all), but b/c she's got something going on deep within her that she has to work out. And it'll be much later if she heals that and resolves those issues

that she'll be able to see your capacity for loyalty and love, in a safer light. That is when she'd see that she owes you.

I suspect right now she's got some serious shame to run & hide from...more than we can probably relate to.

Guilt is when we feel remorse for what we did, even when no one else knows.

Shame is worrying about others finding out, and rejecting us. You can have both at once, but shame makes them hide and lie...and run.

Since you want to at least be open to restoring your m, and b/c piecing is hard enough as it is, lose the "she owes me" belief for now...even though, believe me, I understand your point.


How do I proceed?

Keep at it, that's how. Do your own heavy lifting and at a certain level it'll model what "real work" looks like.

And I'd get your kids in to see someone too. Both of them know if the younger one does.