Am I Dreaming or Played a Fool?

[25yearsmlc]

What would be the harm in reading the books? You can decide later on if you want to be married or not. If you make this decision now out of anger, you may regret it later and not have another chance.

I know you're hurting but it's kind of...unwise to refuse to even read the book that forms the basis of this site.

FYI We do NOT argue for people to save their marriages, at all cost. If you read a DB book, you won't be brainwashed.



Interestingly we have children almost exactly the same ages and sexes. I have been on this path a while. It is devastating to the children. Consider that before you proceed further.

I don't mean to make light of this in any way, but it sounds a lot like Lady Di and Prince Charles and how she said there were always three people in the marriage. It looks like yours has been that way as well.

For some amount of time, your w has had some of her needs met by this man and some by you. It was wrong. I'm not a black & white poster here, but a long term affair like this one takes an enormous amount of cognitive dissonance on her part,

and your feelings about the past (what was real/fake??) are normal and damn hard. Believe me, we know. It's especially hard for longer marriages with kids and assets built b/c you feel a sense of achievement that feels yanked out from under you.

We get it.

I had a great DB coach and at one point I asked her about divorce or quitting, etc. She told me what I'd tell you...it's your personal choice and do not let anyone else tell you what will make you happy with yourself - it's not a small decision, it's not something to let anger direct.

Rather than thinking that walking away won't take work and restoring your marriage will, realize that either choice would be painful and require work to do in a healthy way.

There is no painless path ahead of you. And I'm so sorry.




I had many years of actions and red flags I ignored. One of the hardest things for me, and I suspect it will be for you, is forgiving yourself for not seeing it. For not wanting to believe.

^^^ yes...

I now realize I saw things that validated my choice to stay, and was blind to too much else. Probably fears, to be honest. And in some ways, possibly ashamed?

Had I faced the issues earlier, head on, I don't know...I went to T and IC and I feel like I was a better wife since the recon, I mean, I did some serious growing spiritually and emotionally ( h did not, btw. We went to a few mc's sessions and reconciled and I felt as if we were done, we had "Won" the stay married battle! When we began to piece, h's mother was diagnosed as terminally ill and we shelved the piecing and to this day I don't think H has ever seen a T about any of the damage he wrought on our family...)

In retrospect I DO see some deep unresolved childhood issues in my h, which he probably will never even look at, let alone with insight, let alone the motivation and wherewithal to change.

But H's childhood issues & incredible lack of self awareness, are not my problems now.

IF your w is willing to do real, brave, substantial honest work on herself, AND does it, it'd be a start to any kind of relationship with her. Not saying a restored m relationship, some type of cooperative r. As for what you decide, ultimately, only you will know what you can and cannot live with and what you have built

and what you can afford, and only you know how your children feel...

but a decent r with her, requires soul searching in her.



I am telling you this now and I hope you remember it. It does not meant that you are a sap or stupid. It meanst that you have a kind heart and a good soul and you projected onto your wife your own goodness and that caused you to silence that voice inside of you that said that things were not right.

Forgive yourself, read the books, work the program, live as if you are moving on, but keep the door slightly ajar until you are strong enough to make that decision. Please do it for the benefit of your children, at least for now.

same advice here. And if you read my signature block and Own's, you can see that we do get your situation. Long marriages, with discoveries we do not enjoy making at all...require tools to get with an IC of your own, first of all.

Speaking for myself, DBing is a way of life, not a route to forgiving all... a life of integrity and openness and the sincere desire for self actualization, and to support our loved ones in doing the same.

Turn over your marriage to God or your higher power, and work on you.

When you become the best man you can become, truly, then you can be at peace. Meanwhile, hold your head high.