Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Chris73]

Quick update...

As crazy as it seems, W and I had a pretty amicable discussion this morning. We were able to agree on a few arrangements that will support each of our goals...hers being to end the marriage, mine being to give her more space without comprising my rights to my home and my children... as well as our shared goals of keeping our kids in as stable an environment as possible and keeping costs related to the separation/divorce to a minimum.

Starting with the end of the school year, we've worked out a separation agreement that allows us both to still live in the house but spend certain nights of the week somewhere else. Initially we decided on sharing an apartment, but in addition to the extra money it would cost to rent, sharing that space doesn't really allow us to have a clean break. So instead I will be staying at my mom's house on my off nights and my W will "rent a room from her girlfriend." I put that last bit in quotes bc I don't really believe it. More likely than not, she'll be staying with her OM, but at this point I really don't care so long as she doesn't bring him around my kids.

We've also agreed to separate our incomes and contribute 60/40 to the shared expenses (60 on my end), which I think is very reasonable.

Lastly, although I did not commit to selling our house we agreed to spend the summer making it "market ready" in case we do decide to sell it. The house needs it either way.

We plan to break the news to my parents on Sunday which will be a huge relief for me since I will finally have a support group (other than you folks) since this all started almost a year ago.

This hurts, but not as much as I thought it would. Probably because I feel that things are still being handled fairly and that we're both being reasonable with each other. I struggled for a long time trying to find a balance between not being a doormat and not making her feel like I was being controlling.

It seems like the detachment process is something that just happens. You can help it along or fight against it, but it eventually happens either way. I think I've come to terms with the fact that if my wife and I EVER reconcile it will only be after she's done her own soul searching and decided that she wants to try again. That may never happen, but I think it's a guarantee that it WON'T happen so long as she's distracted with directing all of her anger and resentment at me. Dropping the rope seems easy, but it's VERY hard.