She is moving out tomorrow. I asked to talk to her for a minute. We needed to talk about money, but then, thinking it would be easier if she was still in the house, I said if she had any interest left in saving our marriage, I had an idea (basically using DB's idea of explicitly stating what we wanted from the other to build some good will, and then building on that) that might help, but would still be workable if she moved out. I didn't mention the specifics.
The conversation went basically no where. The eternal optimist in me says maybe I planted an idea that will bear fruit, but the practical side of me says I screwed up.
My guess, which is all that it is, is that your w lacks insight and is on a journey of her own making. The unresolved marital issues (you mentioned having troubles for some time)
and her own "inner stuff", seem to have taken a toll. Her choices have mixed themes in them, including some self destructive ones. Anyone with that much pain and that many surgeries who still smokes, is not placing a high value on their health.
I don't know what choice you have. So maybe you can embrace the fact that she is now released to her own journey and her own discoveries and so are you.
My guess is that she will not enjoy some of her discoveries, b/c the grass is greener where you water it most. She's clearly depressed but that's not your problem anymore. When someone chooses not to get help and isn't incompetent, it's like being married to an alcoholic who won't quit drinking AND wants out of the m.
IF there is a chance for a restored m, it won't be by you fighting this. It'll be by her own painful "task" and I would release her to this task. She clearly sees it as a mission she must achieve or...or...or whatever.
From what you say yourself, the marriage has not met your needs for some time as well.
Sometimes it's really hard to accept that part of our own journey is asking what we are fighting for.
Is it to "win", (and not feel rejected, protect our egos)
or to stay m to this particular spouse in this pattern of behavior.
I suspect you will discover the answer to this^^ after your w is out of the house and you are better able to GAL and Detach.
I don't know how to detach without GAL, so I think your progress there is great.
As for dating OWs
I would not while she's in the home no matter what SHE says. Your kids are there, for one thing and it's weird, for another.
She's leaving soon enough...then do as your heart says. You are right to consider the women you'd date too. Just be honest about what you can really give. Most therapists urge newly single people to NOT marry the first person you date, b/c it's reactive.
But that is down the road...for now, GAL and be there for your kids b/c they need to see you model a healthy lifestyle, even in the face of heartbreak.
They will face heartbreak too, and you will be the anchor, their rock. You will be the counter point to someone who is evidently surrendering to a downward coast to the end...
They are watching you more than you know. I'm so glad you are their dad.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
