Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #4

[Woke_Up]

She also kept saying that she was happy how she was and would never change, would say what she liked, how she liked. People can't change, and me wanting her to change meant I didn't like her. I'm paraphrasing here. I didn't actually ask her to change, it was more about how she dealt with me and me with her. So that was that.

Do you see the wayward thinking in this woman?! She is saying she does not respect you, and she doesn't value your feelings.

Oh, I do indeed. She does not, and I don't believe she ever has, at least not in the way that partners should respect each other.

Last night's argument had some perfect opportunities for validation, but I just reacted and threatened to start treating her how she was treating me, see how she liked it.

I don't want to sound as if I am putting down validation. I want you to understand that everyone needs validation. However, when you are being insulted by your WW (especially in front of D5), and your WW is telling you things like the first quote above......you need to enforce a firm boundary. She does not respect you for walking away when she is hammering you and insulting you. She is actually challenging you to stand up to her. Why do you think she treats you so terribly? B/c you have allowed it, that's why. This is how she pushes your buttons to see how far she can go and how much cr@p she can throw at you before you do something about it.

Just telling her that you won't be disrespected, will not stop her insults. She needs to see action from you.

I know, and I feel like it's Groundhog Day, back where I came in. I really don't know what action if it's not telling her that I will converse calmly later and not be insulted, and then leaving.

Men with the NGS always seem to choose walking away whenever they are being bullied by the female adults closest to them. It does not solve the problem b/c the bully is always waiting to have a go at you the next chance they get.

Perhaps you have been told to walk away to prevent the argument from escalating. In some cases, that is advisable. I'm just telling you that your WW will not change from this horrible, b'tch-crazed woman, unless she learns to show you respect. Boundaries are not enforced through arguments.

Having a "time-out" may work to cool down a heated argument, but it does nothing to stop bullying.

A time out wouldn't work in my case, as W would never respect it.

Do not try to state a boundary while in an argument. Do not argue with her about a boundary. Just show action when it is not honored.

Such as? I know I'm being pedantic, but if it's not telling her I won't take part in an insulting argument and will talk calmly later, then leaving, what is it? Or is it the stating of the boundary? I should state that when things are calm, then enforce later?

Anyway, do what you must to protect your feelings, and to be an example to your children in how to deal with these types of situations in a relationship. I know you are trying to keep your family together. The children need to see strong leadership from their dad, and you can do it.

Well, I'm not doing a good job of it.

Yesterday W messaged me that she hadn't slept. So I thought I'd do something different, not go training (my once a week GAL), go home and help out, get D to bed etc.

Got home, but found she already had D in bed, and when I said she could have an early night she just turned it around saying she didn't need my permission. Then later she ranted and raved about stuff, basically saying I had been deliberate and vindictive by messaging OM, by making her block him on email (last September) and I had no right to interfere in her life... I had put nails in coffins. She also asked if I had done anything to her email, as she couldn't send messages. Nothing to do with me, but she just needed to re-enter her password.

Anyway, that got me thinking today - a) how she was completely out of order, blaming me for my actions and taking no responsibility for her...

b) the email. So I broke my rule and snooped. She got back in touch with OM last night.

So... I messaged her and told her I want the house on the market next month. I didn't say I'd snooped, just said I'd looked back at the hell she'd put me through for months and then had the gall to blame me for. I'm such a react-o-holic. But I am sick of this. We're living an in house separation, she is saying we are not together any more, I get regular verbal abuse, and I don't see any way out.

I also message OM, and swore at him and told him I wasn't finished with him yet. Childish I know.

Anyway, we exchanged a few messages, and while she has guessed I have snooped I haven't told her I have. (she asked if she was being micro monitored).

How long do I put up with this toxic situation that living in the same house seems to bring? I get no time to myself, no time to centre and refocus, or do anything except work around the place at weekends and then do my father duties on weeknights.

I know, basic mistakes I've made and I should know better after 4 or 5 months of DB. Today I just feel like I can't go on like this.