Do you need to make it a hard and fast rule that, if this R doesn't work out, that you are done with all relationships for the next (minimum) nine years? I worry that that puts a lot of pressure on you, him and the R, and that unhealthy dynamics might develop. If I were in a R that, if it ended, would be my last opportunity for [insert all of the good things Rs can bring] a multi-year period, I'd probably start to push when I shouldn't, my partner would pull when I did that, and we'd be into some pretty unhealthy stuff pretty quickly.
Hey JRuss, thanks for stopping by! Your thoughts were my exact thoughts and something I pondered. I am pretty fast and firm on the no more dating thing until D is out of the house. Unless I find the magical unicorn of a guy who wants to be exclusively with me but on my terms, then I see a future alone. I guess it's a part of the single divorced parent sacrifice. I cannot and will not get my daughter involved unless we are on the verge of marriage but that isn't a time to introduce your child either.
This one may or may not work out. We certainly hit a rough patch this whole week. I did tell my self I can't put pressure on it to make it work out because it's my last chance for many years. I knew that could possibly be a trap. I won't let it.
He has been having a very rough time with his business, He is stressed beyond stressed and I am there and supportive of him. very supportive actually. This week, however, since we had our convo, he's been a d!ck to me. We bust eachothers b@lls in an affectionate way all the time, but this week he dropped off the affectionate part. I was just kind of hoping it would pass, but again, resentment was building up and I told him how I felt last night and he did apologize.
I understand the stress. For his age he is very driven, is hardworking, and is very hungry for success. But he also lets the stress get to him.
I also know our R isn't going to be like the beginning the whole time. I never realized how much past trauma has affected me in R's until I am in one. I read the negative stuff as a sign he is just going to walk out the door. That he must be gearing up to be like "peace out" much like my ex did and others have kind done. I doubt my perception of things because I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or I have a valid reason to feel the way I do.
My exH damaged me in that way. I didn't realize the serious scars I have now and I really don't want any of them to screw things up.
It's time that you and FF grab a towel (or two) and go to a nice secluded swimming hole and go skinny dipping. The water will be cold, but that's ok; it'll be refreshing.
So you've done the honeymoon phase and now it's all gloves off lol. This is where the real work starts...and I agree with JRuss, making hard and fast rules now is just emotion talking. Let's see how it goes.
It's time that you and FF grab a towel (or two) and go to a nice secluded swimming hole and go skinny dipping. The water will be cold, but that's ok; it'll be refreshing.
We did that last weekend Doodler! We went to a spa place where we walked in and out of saunas, steamrooms and hot tubs, and had drinks. Only bathing suits were required. We had a great time.
So you've done the honeymoon phase and now it's all gloves off lol. This is where the real work starts...and I agree with JRuss, making hard and fast rules now is just emotion talking. Let's see how it goes.
Exactly Wii. We are past the honeymoon stage and this is real the real work begins. Truth is, I haven't made it past the honeymoon stage with anyone other than my ex. (and we never even had a honeymoon stage) I think we can both handle the real stuff. I just get it in my head for some reason that when we are past the honesymoon stage the other person is going to run if I don't keep things perfect (hence my failed marriage). Fear of abandonment maybe?
We went out for sushi and ice cream last night. 2 of my favorite things. We had a very nice date. We spoke a lot about his business and what his goals are. He is so driven and wants to make money and buy a house and live within his means but comfortably. I admire his drive and work ethic. He's very much unlike his generation of entitlement and I do respect that. He said if he sells his business he is taking a weeks vacation to an island before he starts a new venture. He did say "don't worry, it will take a while to seal the deal, you have time to make arrangements" so I guess I am invited. We came back to my house for an hour after, watched some TV and cuddled. I think we needed it. I go out with friends tonight and tomorrow night we go out.
I know I am being ruled a lot by fear and past abandonment and the such. I am mindful of it and trying to control it.
That sounds like a great evening and just what the Relationship Doctor would have prescribed. And great GAL lined up.
I'm well behind you in the process, so take anything I say with a grain of salt, but (positive) momentum seems so key to forging a path after the sorts of trauma we've all experienced. I was at the gym yesterday, and I saw a guy who had to be 70 years old at least knock out 8 full, dead-hang pullups. Incredible! I had to ask how he got so strong. He said he was strong when he was much younger and just never stopped doing pullups every other day or so, so he never lost that strength. He said he knows if he stops, he'll go backward, and quickly, so he never stops going forward. I'm taking that thought into this weekend, for sure.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
That sounds like a great evening and just what the Relationship Doctor would have prescribed. And great GAL lined up.
I'm well behind you in the process, so take anything I say with a grain of salt, but (positive) momentum seems so key to forging a path after the sorts of trauma we've all experienced. I was at the gym yesterday, and I saw a guy who had to be 70 years old at least knock out 8 full, dead-hang pullups. Incredible! I had to ask how he got so strong. He said he was strong when he was much younger and just never stopped doing pullups every other day or so, so he never lost that strength. He said he knows if he stops, he'll go backward, and quickly, so he never stops going forward. I'm taking that thought into this weekend, for sure.
Funny you say that Jruss. My dad is 67 years old and can do the same, but actually more. He is retired, his wife is 17 years younger than him and he spends many hours at the gym a week. He never stops because he always says the day he stops, is the day he will go downhill.
just a small update. Weekend was good. We had a very nice date Saturday night at a nice steakhouse. The next day the weather was great so we decided to go to NYC for the day. We had a lot of fun. Discussed some stuff and I think its his job really causing all that stress making him kind of distant and pissy. But he was nice and relaxed and happy yesterday and we really enjoyed each others company. We were discussing something that required being very secure in a relationship and he at first he thought I wasn't secure and comfortbale in the R and he was surprised. We also discussed the parents thing and I think it doesn't have so much to do with me or our R.
I guess we'll just see.
And sad note. D9 wanted to show her dad how she learned to ride her bike. She wasn't doing ot great in front of him and then he starts barking directions and she gets all upset and frustrated. The next day she says dad wouldn't shut up in the car about the bike and what she was supposed to be doing. I actually told her to just ignore him and to do her thing. She admits he makes her nervous, that's why she couldn't ride in front of him.
I am going to get totally flamed for this, but something that I think about as I see it IRL and very much in newcomers these days.......
We all know I got cheated on in a pretty bad way. I do not think cheating is right in any sense of the word. However.......
I read about this admittedly neglectful spouses who had spouses who tried to get through to them for years..... very direct, not meaningless needs, like there was serious neglect going on for YEARS, zero intimacy, essentially people being left alone in the M.
Isn't that a huge violation of vows, like cheating is? I am saying both is very wrong. But its like cheating is the worst thing that could be done. I don't know that it is. It's awful, I would never do EITHER, but I am just kind of pondering on how cheaters are the end all be all of horrible people, but those who neglect their spouse and M for years aren't........
I'm not a hardliner, but it's not necessary to cheat in order to end a marriage. In addition, I think neglect is often used as an excuse, and neglect, to some extent can be in the eye of the beholder. I think it's difficult to give a hard-and-fast answer to your question.
But, I think it's a really good question. From my observations, people tend to like things that are black-and-white, but real life seems to be relatively fuzzy. Good people do bad things and bad people do good things.
