Hi Coly, how are you? I have not been very good about posting lately. I don't think H wanting to go to MC is related to anything in particular, other than him wanting to stay on a positive path. Mostly he thinks we don't know how to communicate (listen and understand each other) and he feels we have a lot to work on. Sometimes I don't even know what that means. How do you even "work" on a relationship? It's almost so simple it's complicated!
JujuB, you bring up some great points. I agree that sometimes what makes a person seem "strong" is actually avoidance and an inability to accept or handle hardships in life. I am no psychologist, but I imagine that stems from a person's childhood, trauma, and not feeling safe or allowed to feel/express their emotions. I can see how this could have been the case in H's family. He was raised to be "a good boy" and to be kind and respectful of women. There was a lot of shame around anything that was traditionally masculine. He learned at a young age to stuff his feelings and make other people happy.
Thank you for what you said. I want to believe that this can work and like you, I have heard that there are many success stories. I just don't know people personally that have dealt with it to this extreme. I don't know if I am afraid to trust him and in a strange way, I do. I trust him in the sense that he would not repeat an A or even leave me. What I don't trust is that I will ever feel as close to him as I did before and that makes me sad. I miss the intimacy that we shared.
On the flip side, maybe I don't need to feel that way. With my strong attachment, also came codependency, insecurity, and some loss of self. We were too interconnected, and it was as if I needed him to really feel happy. I can honestly say I don't need him or any man to feel happy anymore. I find more joy in my other Rs and in being alone than I used to. I could to do the same things, but without this level of independence and confidence. So as hard as things have been in the last few years, I can see a lot of positive that has come from it.
One thing that helps me move forward is finding the silver linings in this crazy sitch and believing that it happened for a reason. You know, I just realized that I started posting here 1 year ago today. So much has changed since then. I think we all need to remember to stop for a moment and give ourselves credit from time to time. Things do and will always change. We have to remind ourselves it will get better.
- 4 years ago, life started getting unmanageable in our family and M. Several hardships and challenges. - 3 years ago was right before BD. Everything blew up and my life was crumbling rapidly. I found this site and reading here--it was a life savor. I could barely eat, sleep, function, etc, and I was the worst DBer in history :-) - 2 years ago something changed--I finally let go of H, he left OW--and H did a rather quick turn around and we started piecing soon thereafter. - 1 year ago I made a username and started posting. I still struggled to move forward in a straight line and doubts haunted me often.
Today I feel much more hopeful and at peace with where things stand. I feel that this M can work and be something better one day. I also know that I will be okay if we don't stay together. Life takes unexpected turns.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
