East, Thanks. I'm gonna have to force myself eventually.
Journaling (Be forewarned there will be lots of whining. I just need to get my thoughts typed out)...
Feeling anxious today and having a hard time getting the sick feeling in my stomach to go away. Nothing has changed in my sitch and I feel like I'm just counting down the days until W leaves for another state. I can't stand feeling so raw and exposed.
I've done a really good job of "acting as if" evertthing is fine when I'm around W but I have a battle happening in my heart and my mind.
I'm trying to calm my mind and not obsess but it is hard to manage.
I'm starting to feel that I am looking for reasons to dislike W. If I can think of enough bad things about her, maybe it will lesson the pain. I've got her so high up on that pedestal, that it makes it hard to remember all the times she was a jerk or wasn't there for me.
I'm realizing that my codependance on our relationship has me feeling like she "owes" me something for all the times I've been there for her. I feel like she robbed me (I know this is not a healthy emotion) because it feels like she used me up and then threw me away.
The fact that things happened so quickly really messes with my head. She went from jumping up and down when we learned we were under contract for our new home (after searching for several months) to having an argument, to her leaving me, all within a few weeks.
I felt we were so close to the next chapter in our lives. It's what we had worked towards for so long. We were within reach of our goal and dreams. For that to go up in a puff of smoke, kills me.
W has a history of doing this in the past. Why do I sugarcoat it like it would never happen again if we could just talk things out and move forward?
The loneliness is what really gets me. Being alone with my obsessive thoughts is enough to make anyone crazy. But I continue to put on this fake smile and get up each day and go to work. But inside, I'm devestated (again).
I love her and I hate her for doing this. I'm so upset what this will do to step-daughter. W even promised SD that when we got back together last time, that she wasn't going to leave me again. SD was so happy when W told her that.
I'm trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.
