My birthday was OK. Not top ten but better than the last several and that's nothing to take for granted.
Things have not been 100% smooth sailing with My Guy. He's very attached to his ex-wife which gives me heartburn. I'm trying to take it for what it is, which is just a close friendship (they've been divorced for 4? Years and he moved out six years ago) but I find it challenging. Not for any particular reason, and I wish I understood it better.
D14 has been doing MUCH better since she started therapy. S11 is having some growing pains but really taking effort with himself, which makes me proud. S9 is worrying me, more and more in the last couple of years than he ever did when he was small. I'm really aware of how much they've grown in the last couple of years, and that I only have a very small amount of time left with them. It makes me sad. We have few family evenings available with all their activities and the time they spend with their dad, so I miss them a lot of the time. When they are grown and moved away from me, what will I have to show for my life? Maybe My Guy & I will be a couple with a cool life. Maybe not. My job has hit a significant hitch (I'm not cut out for the sales gig as I perform it here) and the thought of finding yet another new role is unnerving. My boss here is excited to keep me on in some other capacity but it's still hard to see this girl, who had the 4.3 GPA and the 1360 SAT and the huge scholarship and all the other academic achievements I had WAY BACK, and realize this is what I've made of myself. Divorced mom who can't support herself if the alimony were to stop. Failing in another job. So depressing.
I was talking to a colleague with many more years than me in the business, and mentioned being Den Leader for my S9's Cub Scout den because nobody else would do it. He said "WTF are you doing leading a scout den when you're supposed to be working your a$$ off here? It doesn't matter what your reasons are. You need to tell him, sorry honey, Mommy is trying to build a business to make all our lives better. If nobody else will step up then there won't be a den."
I feel like a chump but I just can't see sacrificing my family for this career where I'm not sure where the payoff is. I'm not selfish enough to do this job. I do have the LEAST support of anyone I know in this business and with or without Cub Scouts, that would be a huge challenge. But I'm just not willing to sacrifice my kids that way. I fought for the settlement I got to make sure my kids would be OK. As I see it, getting a career rolling that would make me self-supporting is about ME, not about the kids (except that I won't be a burden to them when they're older) and so even if Cub Scouts were a dealbreaker, which it's not, I'd have a hard time giving that up on top of all the other stuff the kids and I have given up in our family life. Zues might disagree with me...
Although I'm totally strung out on adrenaline and cortisol, I'm good for the most part so I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer. I'm headed down to see my parents this weekend for the first time in a year. I hope it's better than the last couple of times I saw them. My Guy and I have a vacation planned in July that I'm really excited for. I hope he likes/loves me enough that he's looking forward to it as much as I am.
Reading this over I see it's not particularly positive. I don't know if it's the time of year (roughly 3 years since Mr. Fantastic moved out) or if it's me, or the job, or everything together, but I haven't felt like my usual self lately. I can't find my sense of lightness or my humor or my fun. I would love to sit down and have a nice big cry but I don't know what I'd be crying over -- I am so lucky to have a nice life. Still, it's there, and I hope I figure it out because this isn't helpful.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
