Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

2016,
Wow! thank you for the time and depth you provided posting here. If I file I won't be doing it anytime soon, I have too much on my plate with my heart issues. The recovery looks like it will be a little longer than I thought. I thought it would be just a few days but I've talked some friends who've undergone it and they said it took them at least a month to be 100%. But I think I am going to ask WH to live somewhere else once I move us into the new house. I just can't relax in my own home with this guy. I want to just be left alone for a while so I can make decisions with a clear and logical brain. I feel fairly detached but sometimes moments of pain sneak in or irritation/anger. I am just shocked how my once loving and compassionate husband turned into this...monster. And he blames me!

I've sought the guidance from two Islamic scholars and their suggestions was to move on and leave WH. They are afraid his behavior will cause my children to turn their backs on their religion given how WH has twisted it and bastardized it to justify finding another woman.

Thank you Sky!

Bigbiz,
Thank you for the well wishes and happy bday! I am not sure if I've been very supportive lately as my schedule hasn't allowed as much time to comment here. I feel guilty for being the walk-away-poster, lol!

Painter,
I am not sure if we've ever really been in R or piecing, WH has never fully rededicated himself to our marriage. For every half step he would take forward he would then slide 10 steps back. He still doesn't acknowledge and work on his poor boundaries, he still does not feel the affair was completely his fault, he still will not do "the work." But I can rest assured that I have given 1000% to save this amrriage but WH can't be bothered to engage. His loss.

ForGump,
Thank you so much.

So yesterday my co-workers bought me a huge lunch of my favorite foods, a b-day cake, and roses. I was almost moved to tears and I tend not to show emotions at my work place. I was wrapped in their love and kindness. I am so blessed. I came home and WH was walking out in the garage, hesitated and said he was going to the store for a minute. HE came back with a small birthday cake, some balloons and candles. While I appreciate the gesture it left me more confused than anything. We have barely spoken to each other and he goes and does this? Later that night it was time for the kids to go to bed and my DD6 asked if we could blow out the candles. WH lit the candles and the kids sang happy bday to be. They were so sweet. I thanked WH and the kids ate some cake, brushed their teeth and WH laid down with them. (little confession, the kids mostly sleep in the MBDRM stil, it's a cultural thing to have extended bed sharing in Asian cultures) Most of the time WH will then move to a palate on the floor but last night he staye din our bed. Again...confused here.

Today WH was trying to tell me of an inlaw-to-an-uncle passed away and I was tring to understand how this person was related. WH became frustrated because I was asking for clarification on if I had ever met this person. He spoke in a low/angry tone and explained who this person was. (I've never met them and was unsure why he was telling me about this) Apparently it is customary to call and offer condolences even if I have no earthly idea who this person was. Um...ok? So after the kids are in bed WH will call and I guess we'll...speaker phone it?

In the meantime I told WH about what the pre-op information was for aftercare. I told him I probably needed him to to all the bed/bath/lifting routine for the kids for the next 4 days and maybe longer. I am not supposed to lift anything (including my scrumptious baby) for a few days and overall just take it easy. He mumbled ok and that was that.

So my heart...it's broken. In the literal and symbolic meaning he has broken my heart. For some reason I always assumed if someone caused another person (they previously professed to love and protect) pain and damage that they would have the aha! moment and turn it around. But WH still looks at me with cold and apathetic eyes. Out 8th anniversary is coming in a few days and it looks to be another wasted day. Last year at this time he was back with the OW...probably going out with her or something. I go over my past and wish I had chosen someone else. I wish I had never met this guy, this man who shattered my heart. I definitely wish I had chosen another man to be the father of my children.

Wish me luck tomorrow, I am very nervous.