Dealing with Devastation

[giftd]

So today she called after texting (I had a flat tire) and we talked for 25 minutes while she was driving down. When she finally got here she went through and saw the animals while we made small talk. Then she laid on the bed and talked to me while petting the cat. It felt like old times... Finally we went downstairs and she started to get into a strange mood. I asked if something was wrong and she said she was tired. After a couple minutes she actually fell asleep on the couch. I read and listened to music on the tv before waking her up after 30 minutes to ask if she'd rather order food than go out. She didn't reply so I just did. I went and picked it up and then we ate on the couch and watched a show she put on. I drank wine and when offered she asked for soda instead. My nerves kinda led me to drinking some. After a couple episodes and some laughs she said she had to go. Since I'd been drinking I got a bit teary. She asked if I wanted a birthday hug and I said "from you, always". Then I said "Because it's my birthday I'm going to say it, I love you, please don't reply". After a minute long embrace she got up and said good bye, there was no lingering in the driveway this time. She said she had been up since 5AM.

I didn't follow her out, I let her go. It's still painful. I try to detach, or at least project that I have when she's around. Fake it till you make it. It's just painful still. Things are so much better than when the bomb dropped, yet even though I've made progress with myself, the other two identities involved, the relationship and her, have made much slower progress. I don't know if she is pushing away or not anymore, but she isn't running. That's a positive step. She drove 2 hours to come see me for a birthday dinner. I gave her a card inviting her to my graduation ceremony for college. She didn't open it before leaving, I did my best to let that go. I did send a follow up text thanking her for the time and acknowledging that she had a long drive to get here. It's frustrating that she is staying 30 minutes away tonight at a friends house when she could be here with me... I can't make her come back though, I can show her who I am now and be the best man I can. At least she is talking to me...