Sorry for the delay, I have been catching on gardening, those past two years my poor garden took a hit, I just didn't have the mind/energy to tackle the tasks. I just redo my patio: new furniture, new gas fire pit, and new borders (had delivered 20 bags of mulch and 10 of garden soil)... My body hurts everywhere but my Happy Place is ready.
I know situations even if they are similar can be different sometimes, but I just wanted to mention to you that my WH became "worst" again during piecing during may be 2 months, at one point after an argument, the next day he told he was going to leave me in a few months (next school year) because he couldn't stand me anymore. I tried to talk to him, but he refused to listen to me and stonewalled me. A few weeks later, when I asked him in a very quiet and controlled manner about his plans so I can get ready, he denied saying that... and afterwards our relationship became nicer.
This week I reread the six stages of mIdlife crisis from Hearts Blessings, she mentioned that during piecing (acceptance), at one point the MLCer will revisit all the phases except replay, during that time the best is to just stand and do nothing, just keep living you life. That's what I did, I just made plans for myself and the kids and let him deal with his thoughts, I gave him space and time, it was easy since I didn't want to deal with him anymore anyway, I was done in my mind with that marriage.
Don't try to have any conversations with him, he is still deeply into his own turmoil. Piecing is a time where the MLCer is still wondering (on the fence) if he stays or if he leaves, so the most you will try to attract him or make him take a decision, the more he will run away and become nasty again.
Give yourself a few months, getting a divorce is a major decision, your situation might look bad right now but in a few months it might get better, what are just a few months to give a chance to the kids to have both parents together a little bit longer if he is not crossing any major boundaries.
Stop being impatient, accept that a marathon not a sprint and piecing is NOT a new Honeymoon, piecing is stabilizing a situation that was destructive. Piecing is a cease fire between 2 people who were at war. Let it go the 'Disney dream of Happily ever after". Now for the positive side, after a few months it gets better slowly.
I know it's tough to visualize that things can change drastically in a few weeks, last year he said he was going to move out this year in July because he couldn't stand me, now he is planning a birthday party for me next week and he doesn't even react when I poke him about the past... His behavior is totally different from last year of even 4 years ago, that version is better, but I still have anger issues about the OWs from time to time. Today at yoga the theme was resilience... for sure I am.
Be strong, sail through the storm (AKA do nothing), enjoy the upcoming Summer and try to find happiness everyday though your interactions with others.
Let him deal with his thoughts without any interactions, stop trying to read his mind because I pretty sure that himself he doesn't know what he really wants right now, show him you can be/live without him but at the same time stay nice, treat him as a good neighbor. And if one day you are really done, let him know in a very polite manner, because even if you are done with him you will still to have to coparent with him for many years to come.
Nothing is set in stone in life.
Big hugs
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
