So Confused and Conflicted (7)

[WshIKnw]

Of course. That's natural. The downside is when it continues to deflect from our personal work, especially on things the WAS did identify as problems for them, in us.

25, I know of some things I need to work harder to change, but can you tell me what you think I need to change?

You know your history and you know the warnings your w gave you that you - for whatever reason - did not heed.

I don't agree that my wife gave warnings about breaking up. In my opinion, she gave requests, not warnings. A warning, to me, would be "if you don't do X, Y will be the consequence" or "I need X in my life" or "I can't live this way". I wish I had treated her requests as warnings, but I didn't have the experience/knowledge to know to do that. I didn't heed them because I didn't realize the seriousness of them. To me, my wife acted happy. There isn't usually a huge need to improve a happy person's life. Hence the name, "WshIKnw". She did one time say, "if you don't give me such and such attention, then I'll find someone who will". I don't remember what the attention was exactly, but I didn't take that very seriously, because I just thought she would never do that, and she only gave an explicit warning like that, like once. So, I just thought she was making an idle threat or being semi-silly, especially when I believe it was over something semi-silly: she wanted to be tucked in bed (which means given some attention for a moment after she laid down, whether it's rub her back, just sit there a moment, read her a story, whatever), and I didn't want to do it that night. It seems so stupid that this is the kind of thing that I lost my wife over. Everytime I hear stories about women leaving men, in real life, it keeps being over really serious things, like the man cheated, or wouldn't make a living. And I think back to how I did none of the serious usual deal breakers. And now, it's like "Man, my wife wanted so little out of me. Those things would have been so easy to do more of, without fussing, compared to losing her. Had I just given another 10% or 20% in all those little things she complained about, that would have probably been all she needed." And I would have done that, had I understood how much she needed or desired these things, before it was too late. Love wasted on the young and ignorant.

My suggestion to you, again, is to work on the things you know are valid b/c in the event she turns your way again, you'll be more like the man she hoped for.

I feel like the vast majority of her complaints are resolved simply by me realizing how much she needed those things, and by being reminded of just how important she is to me, how easy it is to lose her, and how she and I are not the same. She has different needs, that must be met, and a different love language that I must "speak". And there are a lot of things that I can't change without her around, like everything dealing with her not getting enough of any given sort of attention from me. There were a few things that partly had to do with me understanding the seriousness of the situation, but also had to do with overcoming certain problems of mine. Those things aren't just an issue of being woken up, but are an issue of overcoming adversity. I don't think most of her complaints involved that, but probably some of her biggest complaints did.