ILYBNILWY

[MoveFrwd]

I know what you're getting at (at least I think I do)... that the purpose of the exercise here isn't to really get our spouses back, because we can't control that, but to just be the best selves we can be, and create the possibility for reconciliation to happen by doing so.

Not exactly. My point is that there isnt really any 'giving up'. Sure, you can get divorced, but what does that really mean? How is that any different than changing your facebook status to 'single'? In the meantime, once you click that box, do your feelings change? ae you instantly 'healed' and ready to move on with your life? My point is that divorce isnt the end of your relationship with your W. Especially if you have a kid.

I went in there, and talked about the possibility of some kind of interim agreement. I explained what I was afraid of, why, etc. and the lawyer educated me on the facts of life in our county. Which judges and which courts did what and how, and that I was absolutely screwed if my wife should happen to file for divorce first, because given the choice of venue, any attorney would file in a certain place and it would be all but guaranteed that I would only see D every other weekend... if I were lucky.

So I retained her, and she filed for divorce on my behalf today.

I feel pretty worthless. In the end, I'm pulling the trigger on the end of our family.

I can understand how you must be feeling. But think of this as a business transaction where you protect what is most important in your life. This is about YOU and not about your relationship with your W. You didnt fail your family by filing - you PROTECTED it.

I invited my MIL to dinner tomorrow night.

Honestly, now isnt the time for this. Blood is thicker than water. And trying to force a relationship with your inlaws is probably not a great idea if your goal is to reconcile someday.

As I was leaving, W sent me a text asking me not to do that in front of her next time, because it made her feel like **** and that she was not good enough. For some reason, I got angry, walked back into the house, and told her that SHE had control of her life, and if she wanted good memories, she should make them. I was a total ass to her, and I didn't even mean to be.

I sent a text later apologizing for my poor behavior. Her response was that she was used to it. I told her she was always good enough, and that while I thought she'd refuse, she was welcoem to come to dinner as well. She politely declined, saying she didn't want to intrude. I repeated the offer, saying she wouldn't be intruding, and that we're in each other's life for the next 12 years minimum one way or another, and we had to figure something out. I offered to start now.

It reads like you are still waiting for her to 'snap out of it'. Id advise you strongly to leave her alone. Stop inviting her over. Stop inviting MIL over. Stop doing things together as a 'family'. Really focus on you and on your relationship with your daughter. Let your W alone to live her life. When you see her, make sure that the interaction is short and positive.

I don't feel like a man right now.

So what are you going to do to rebuild yourself?

[Thornton]

East - that's some heavy stuff, my friend.

I agree with Kaizen, you did what you had to do to protect your family.

And THAT ^^^ makes you a man.

Dude, filing for divorce when it's the last thing you want took courage, alot of courage.

Your story isn't over, East. Not in the slightest. Even if you get divorced, you can still turns things around with W. You really can.

Slow down your thoughts today and just breathe.

[EastTN]

Dinner with MIL isn't really about me (some of it is, I admit... They're family, I love them, I don't want that to change) but mostly so MIL can spend time with D during the week. She used to come to our house quite a bit, but W made her feel unwelcome so she stopped coming (basically ignored her while she was there, snapped at her when she was interrupted playing her game, etc). I want MIL to KNOW that she is always welcome in my home, and in D's home. MIL is also VERY sensitive about the custody situation. I want her to KNOW that she can ALWAYS see her granddaughter. Having her for dinner once a week feels like a positive step there.

It's kind of the same thing with W right now. I've accepted in my head that our M is over. My head knows that W is not what I want or need in life right now. My head also knows that W has no love, respect, or anything else for me right now--all I see when I look into her eyes is pain, anger, and disgust/contempt. My heart needs to be pulled back into line from time to time, but there is general agreement between brain and heart that there is no "snapping out of it."

My goal with W is not to rebuild the marriage. It's to build a PARENTING relationship. Allowing HER to come to dinner gets her more time with D compared with her normal week where she gets about 48 hours. I really don't expect anything in return for that, I'm just trying to make sure both of us are in D's life the maximum amount possible.

All of the above said... I see where you're coming from. I don't know how to disinvite MIL without causing hurt feelings and maybe suspicion, and I honestly am not sure that I want to in any case, but I'll give it thought. Talking less to W is definitely on my agenda in any case.

Thanks both of you for the kind words about protecting my family. I hadn't looked at it from that perspective. It helps. I still feel dishonest about HOW, but I don't feel guilty about doing it.

T, I know my story isn't over, but I feel like once divorce is final, there's no real hope of reconciliation--from MY side. I lived through that as a child, and it was a disaster. Putting D through that feels like it would be WRONG. I can't really explain it, but I feel pretty strongly about it.

Kaizen, rebuilding is going ok. GAL activities are going well. I had D for half this weekend (4 day weekend for her, and W let me have her Friday and Saturday!) We went to the trampoline park/ninja warrior course and went crazy for an hour. My fitbit was like, "yo, fat guy! Where's all this cardio coming from??"

I played some soccer with a pickup group from Meetup on Sunday. I made it 45 minutes, which is impressive for my body type. I'm going to a board gaming group on Friday, I think, and a lunch with a "singles" group (the group's not for dating, just socializing which is what I need) on Sunday.

Weight loss is at 56lbs and counting. I was worried this week because I lost a little too much weight (due to the physical activity most likely). I put some back on in the last couple of days so feel better. To hit my target weight, though, I've got 100 lbs to go. Not sure I'll make it that far, but I'm doing well enough.

Monday was a good day. Yesterday was a bad one. Today is another good one. I haven't put together so many good days since this started and I was actively trying to detach from W, before she offered some hope. Tomorrow will, I hope, be a better one.

[MoveFrwd]

mostly so MIL can spend time with D during the week. She used to come to our house quite a bit, but W made her feel unwelcome so she stopped coming

Why do you feel it is your responsibility to foster this relationship? I would think it would be MIL's job first and your W's second. To me, it smells like you are trying to be a 'fixer'.

I want MIL to KNOW that she is always welcome in my home, and in D's home.

Like here - are you going to be inviting her to things without D? What about if you are in a new relationship with another woman - are you still going to be having dinner with your ex's mom?

I want her to KNOW that she can ALWAYS see her granddaughter.

I agree. I want my ex's parents to be in my kids' lives as well. But Im not going to sacrifice the precious time I have with them to accommodate that. And Im certainly not inviting my ex's parents over for a gathering without my ex.

My heart needs to be pulled back into line from time to time, but there is general agreement between brain and heart that there is no "snapping out of it."

My goal with W is not to rebuild the marriage. It's to build a PARENTING relationship. Allowing HER to come to dinner gets her more time with D compared with her normal week where she gets about 48 hours. I really don't expect anything in return for that, I'm just trying to make sure both of us are in D's life the maximum amount possible.

If all of this is true, then why are you having the blow up you did the other night? Why are you texting her that you think shes 'good enough'? If you just want a parenting relationship, then show that with your actions. I dont see these regular dinners as something sustainable; so, to me, it sounds like it is only causing confusion for you, her, and probably your daughter.

I don't know how to disinvite MIL without causing hurt feelings and maybe suspicion, and I honestly am not sure that I want to in any case, but I'll give it thought. Talking less to W is definitely on my agenda in any case.

You just filed to divorce her daughter. If she's going to be insulted for being uninvited from your home for dinner, then so be it.

And suspicion? Of what...exactly?

I feel like once divorce is final, there's no real hope of reconciliation--from MY side. I lived through that as a child, and it was a disaster. Putting D through that feels like it would be WRONG. I can't really explain it, but I feel pretty strongly about it.

Thats your choice. And again, if thats the case, then I dont see your relationship with MIL being particularly sustainable. But to me, I dont see the harm in leaving that door of reconciliation open for now.

I had D for half this weekend (4 day weekend for her, and W let me have her Friday and Saturday!)

Glad your GAL is going well. I dont understand this bit about 'et me have her' though. What is your current custody situation? Why do you have to be 'allowed' to see your daughter by W?

[EastTN]

Kaizen,

Not trying to fix W/MIL relationship. That's on her. MIL being welcome in home means a lot to me, though. My mother and my father's mother had an amazing relationship, LONG after my parents were divorced. That's my model. MIL not feeling welcome in my home bothers me. With regard to "suspicion" W tells me MIL feels like she won't get to see D, and she's angry about the situation. I don't want to feed that. That does no one any good.

With regard to "good enough" like I said, I'd been an ass. Being told she felt "not good enough" was possibly bait and I took it, but I was angry with myself for my behavior.

As far as "allowed" to see her, our agreement is that I have D Sunday night through Friday morning. W picks her up at school on Friday afternoon, and I get her back on Sunday. "Quality time" is at a minimum, I'm basically the work parent. Because it was a four day weekend, W gave me Friday and Saturday to spend with D. Lawyer has modified this and made sure I got one weekend a month in the proposed parenting plan. We'll see what W says.

[Mach1]

Kaizen is jerkin some pitches out of the park up there ^^^^


Might wanna re-read most of that...

[EastTN]

Am I justifying again?

[Mach1]

Am I justifying again?

That is one way of putting it...

I think that you are making things way too easy on everyone except the one person that you should be making it easy on...


As far as the MIL, I understand what you are trying to do...

I will say this though..

It is not your job to facilitate their relationship.

It is your job to NOT damage it...



Blood is thicker than water, and eventually, your boat will become stuck trying to paddle in it too long...

And before you cancel or whatever...

Let this time ride.

In the future ??

What do YOU , (forgetting a marriage, relationship, whatever) want that to look like ???

Hey Phil, yea, I'm gonna have to cancel Bigfoot hunting this weekend. Yea, I gotta facilitate my EX-MIL's relationship with her Grandchild...



^^^^ Prolly not gonna work for YOU...

[MoveFrwd]

Not trying to fix W/MIL relationship.

MIL not feeling welcome in my home bothers me.

Maybe I was unclear. Sounds like you are trying to foster the relationship between MIL and D. Not MIL and W (if I implied that, Im sorry). Either way, it isnt your job. If MIL wants to be in D's life, then she (MIL) should be making the effort. And if not, then, at least it should be your W that is coordinating. I ask you again, lets say you get remarried to another woman, are you still going to be inviting MIL over to be with D? If not, where do you draw that line?

With regard to "suspicion" W tells me MIL feels like she won't get to see D, and she's angry about the situation. I don't want to feed that. That does no one any good.

This seems like a stretch. And really, it doesnt seem like your issue. This sounds like it's between W and MIL. If MIL asks you to see D, thats one thing. But to me, you are placing yourself in the middle of something where you dont need to.

With regard to "good enough" like I said, I'd been an ass. Being told she felt "not good enough" was possibly bait and I took it, but I was angry with myself for my behavior.

Yeah, you were an ass. So apologizing is fine.

What about all of this other stuff though?
I told her she was always good enough, and that while I thought she'd refuse, she was welcoem to come to dinner as well. She politely declined, saying she didn't want to intrude. I repeated the offer, saying she wouldn't be intruding, and that we're in each other's life for the next 12 years minimum one way or another, and we had to figure something out. I offered to start now.

This doesnt sound like someone talking to a person that they 'just want to have a parenting relationship with'...

[EastTN]

So if I distill this:

I'm still trying to save someone, I've just changed who I am trying to save. I still am trying to make EVERYTHING my responsibility. I'm further setting myself up with an expectation that, at some point, I am not going to want to meet for whatever reason, thus probably making things worse in the long run.

And I'm masking my desire to fix my marriage in the form of having a positive relationship with W built around our daughter for D's benefit.

Do I have that right? If so... well, ****.