Getting all this feedback and clear perspective helps steady me. I really do count on it to get me through.
Sorry this post is so long; there is a question at the end so feel free to skip ahead. Lol! I find writing this all out really helps me to see all of his anger, which I find puzzling. He is the one who cheated. He is the one who wants to quit. He is the one who is giving up; yet he has all this anger and hostility directed toward me.
My family and friends think it is because I refused to file and now he "has to be the bad guy" by filing, so here he is the "family" man who had an affair with a younger woman while his wife was pregnant and how he's leaving us. I also exposed his true self by exposing the affair. He is angry at all these things and blames me for all of it.
I realize it's all speculation. I guess I am just trying to understand something that is really completely irrational, emotional, and inexplicable.
When I am around him, I do the cool calm cucumber act. I find it actually really helps to try to remain detached and look at him objectively.
From this vantage point it is easier to see him spinning. It is almost like the calmer I am, the more ramped up he gets.
Last night when he came home, he saw S and I dangling our feet in the pool (we live in Southern California). It was a beautiful day and the water was warm. He walked up and startled me because I didn't know he was home. No introduction. No hi. He immediately launched into "do you think it's a good idea to have him put his feet in the pool since he is sick?" He apparently is of the school of thought that you can get sick from being wet or being cold. Ugh. I have tried in the past to explain to him that this is an old wives tale, but to no avail. Yesterday evening, I just pointed out that he was well enough to go to school and he is energetic and eating well, it's just a nasty sounding cold. He gave me the old geezer "hrmmmp" and then sulked.
He then proceeded to follow me and S around the backyard while we played. He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything, just followed. All the while he was also appearing to "inspect" the exterior of the house. He put on quite a good show. I completely ignored him. Funny thing is, so did S.
During dinner he made a quip about the mashed potatoes I make having too much "stuff" in them. He said next time he will make mashed potatoes with just mashed potatoes. (I put real butter, whipping cream, and some salt in mine.) His obsession with food is just nuts. I just ignored it.
When we put S down, S didn't want H. S kept crying and holding his arms out to me. He pitched a fit about H. H got angry, and said, I know, I know, you don't want me; it's all about momma. But remember S, you're stuck with me. Oh my. I ignored it.
After dinner he retreated to his room and hunkered down.
This morning, more snide remarks about the "sugary" breakfast cereal I was feeding S. Nevermind the vegan sausage, egg, and fruit that went along with the cereal. I ignored it.
I can't help but wonder if S also notice something unpleasant about H because there was more "no daddy, no daddy" from him this morning. He wanted nothing to do with H. H of course noticed and made some more angry/grump remarks. I ignored it.
So here is my question . . . H and I have different priorities and styles of parenting at this point. After we divorce, I know I will have no say in what happens in his home and vice versa. He claims he wants to "co parent" but the reality I expect is more of a "parallel" parenting scenario (he does his thing, I do mine).
I feel like he is trying to shove his style/preferences/ways onto me. Or maybe he is just trying to incite me or control me. Whatever it is, the reality of the situation is there will be two separate set of rules (for example, I don't care of S leaves certain toys out all over the living room overnight - H feels differently).
I may be speculating, or mind reading, and if I am, please feel free to tell me. I get the feeling he thinks/expects that I will follow his rules in my house. I am not sure he realizes that after the divorce, I no longer feel I have to collaborate with him on these types of issues. How he chooses to run his house is entirely up to him and how I run mine is up to me.
This may be a double edge sword of course because there might be something down the line that I would like him to do in his home. But the way I see it, I can ask him to enforce certain rules, but he doesn't have to. Moreover, the likelihood of him doing so, even if he disagrees, is slim. At least that is my expectation.
So, should I even point this out to him in some way? Is it worth it? Part of me does want to show him the reality of what this will be like, but I just don't know if me saying anything would be worth it or would even matter. I would want to tell him something along the lines you can do what you want in your house, and I will do what I want in mine. Since you fired me, there is no need to collaborate on these types of issues.
Now of course, I wouldn't say it exactly like that. It would be more diplomatic/neutral/matter of fact.
Lol, as I write this, I think, ugh, why bother. He has to learn these things on his own. Me telling him won't change anything.
