25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[BluWave]

I have very little time at the moment, but I had to jump in. This thread is fantastic. Sandi, my H has said so much of what you write, almost identical. One of the main reasons it took him so long to end the A and come back to the M was his stubborn pride, which was his worst enemy. (I also did not DB or pave the way. Not at all). In fact I can recall several conversations we had--while he was gone and after he came back--that were very similar to your post. He felt the same way, and it was a constant internal struggle.

I also appreciate what you wrote to TxHub, but I wonder if you have done enough self exploration? Admittedly I have had reservations about my M and have viewed my H as "tainted" in some way too. It is much simpler to keep him in the blame, than look at myself and where I went wrong. Since he came back, he has done everything he can to make it work. The A was such a huge assault and what led to the separation, so it was the main focus. So while nothing I did justified his A and leaving, I must better understand how and where things fell apart. I have blamed OW a lot, but really, it was him that left me, not her. If things were better in the M, he would not have been vulnerable to the A to begin with.

I know if I want this M to work--and to genuinely reconnect with him, not just function well-- then I must focus on my side of the street. That is all I can control anyhow. He has said more than once that he "feels beneath me." It doesn't behoove me at all, or my M, to keep (subconsciously) him beneath me. That is not how I want him to feel either because I care about him. I know that in my head logically, and I hope I can get my heart on board soon. I don't believe I could have a successful reconciliation without truly understanding and forging H for the A. That will only come if I can understand why he became vulnerable to it in the first place.

Wish I didn't have to run back to work, but had to chip in.

Thank you for this conversation!
Blu