Well it's obvious that I'm failing miserably at boundaries and what I THINK I should be doing. It's very frustrating that when I try to put some of the advice in action, that I just end up making things worse for myself. I've decided that I'm just not ready for that step yet and have pulled back a bit to re-evaluate how I am proceeding.
From her most recent actions, I truly do NOT believe there is actually any type of affair going on. If it was before, it was short lived. I'm not necessarily trusting her words, but more of what I am seeing and her actions. I know that I have to be very cautious in what I believe though. I think some of our talks (few and far between) have gotten her to realize what her actions had been leading to me believe (that an affair was going on) and she is definitely much more communicative with where she is going and what she is doing. Is she just trying to cover up better...maybe but I don't think so. I know I will catch a bunch of crap for this but I'm just giving you my honest viewpoint.
I'm still riding the roller coaster of (my) emotions and changes in her mood. We do communicate throughout the day and at home and overall our interactions have been very pleasant, no arguments or anything like that. She DOES still continue to look for reasons to blame me for stuff that doesn't go her way (acting a bit like a child) but I'm not taking the bait and just distance myself from her and her words. She will NOT make me the enemy. She actually asked last night if we should go shopping together...not just by herself which is very unusual as of late. She has also been going out of her way to help serve me dinner...again very uncharacteristic for her. So confused on whether I'm being played a bit or if she truly is looking to change.
One of the biggest challenges I'm seeing right now as I'm well into the DB book is that nearly all of the advice I am getting on here seems to contradict what I am reading in the book but maybe I'm just not far enough in.
Example, I have read nothing in the book that says I should be detaching. Everything so far is how to communicate better and show how I am doing the things to be a better man and husband. Detaching doesn't seem to be part of that so far. I almost feel like I need a flowchart to direct me on what I should or should not be doing at this point. I'll keep reading though.
Anyhow, I just wanted to provide an update on my story. Thanks for hanging in there with me folks.
Detachment for me is important to stay sane in the midst of all this. It's part of GAL and enjoying your time for you. If I'm not detached, I'm making myself vulnerable to the waves and have a hard time dealing with that.
Each and every person has their own unique set of circumstances, players, etc. You've got to do what works for you or not. You mention above about failing miserably at boundaries, well detachment can help with that. Detachment helps level the roller coaster of emotions as you minimize making yourself vulnerable.
All the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
One of the biggest challenges I'm seeing right now as I'm well into the DB book is that nearly all of the advice I am getting on here seems to contradict what I am reading in the book but maybe I'm just not far enough in.
Example, I have read nothing in the book that says I should be detaching. Everything so far is how to communicate better and show how I am doing the things to be a better man and husband. Detaching doesn't seem to be part of that so far. I almost feel like I need a flowchart to direct me on what I should or should not be doing at this point. I'll keep reading though.
DerekM,
I went through the same thing. Advice on the forum seemed to contradict advice given in the book as well as the advice given by the DB coaches. I was all over the place.
It wasn't until my wife and I physically separated that I started to make sense of everything I'd read and heard. Being physically separated gave me some distance and objectivity. I realized my wife was pushing me away, and I had been trying to hang on.
Once I had a little more clarity, I understood that I couldn't pursue my wife anymore and that I was responsible for moving my life forward in the best way possible. I was actually a happy camper except that I didn't have my sons around as much as I would've liked. I also acquired an itch that I have been able to scratch just yet; I wanted to beat the OM's @ss. But, overall, life was good. So, doodler's three steps to bliss are 1. let go, 2. be a great dad, and 3. GAL like a wildman.
Thank you Tryin2...exactly what I need to know. I've been slowly working on this and trying not to be at her beck-and-call whenever she texts or emails me. Typical uphill battle though.
When I successfully put some distance between us, then I find her responding by showing more interest in me and what I'm doing. We still live together, mostly co-parent together (but I'm doing more than just my share), still spend time together, etc. so detachment isn't as easy as couples that may be separated.
I do still find that detaching comes with it's own set of challenges though as I still value our friendly chats and catching up. When I detach I miss those things and have a hard time dealing with that as well.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't seems to be par for the course.
Originally Posted By: Tryin2figuritout
FWIW Derek,
Detachment for me is important to stay sane in the midst of all this. It's part of GAL and enjoying your time for you. If I'm not detached, I'm making myself vulnerable to the waves and have a hard time dealing with that.
Each and every person has their own unique set of circumstances, players, etc. You've got to do what works for you or not. You mention above about failing miserably at boundaries, well detachment can help with that. Detachment helps level the roller coaster of emotions as you minimize making yourself vulnerable.
There has been a confirmed PA correct? Has she agreed to transparency? Have you considered a no contact letter? Has there been a discussion regarding MC?
One of the biggest challenges I'm seeing right now as I'm well into the DB book is that nearly all of the advice I am getting on here seems to contradict what I am reading in the book but maybe I'm just not far enough in.
Example, I have read nothing in the book that says I should be detaching. Everything so far is how to communicate better and show how I am doing the things to be a better man and husband. Detaching doesn't seem to be part of that so far. I almost feel like I need a flowchart to direct me on what I should or should not be doing at this point. I'll keep reading though.
Hello Derek,
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Especially when you feel like the info you are getting here and in the book contradict each other. As you know, one size doesn't fit all!
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
There has been a confirmed PA correct? Has she agreed to transparency? Have you considered a no contact letter? Has there been a discussion regarding MC?
This is where boundaries come in to play.
LH19, honestly I don't know about a PA. There MAY have been a PA, but if there was, then I believe it was only a 1 or 2 night deal at the very most. Not downplaying that at all, as it's crushing to me. She of course says there wasn't, that they only went on a motorcycle ride so she could clear her head. Since then I don't believe they have seen each other. She claimed on that day all ties were severed with the OM and I have no evidence of anything since. Additionally, nearly all of her time has been accounted for.
She did agree to transparency, and she has done 10x better at letting me know where she is going and what she is doing.
I have not asked her to send him a no contact letter and I suppose much of this is due to my own darn fear of irritating her further and pushing her away.
WE have not gone to MC this time. We did a couple of years ago but only for 5-10 sessions and then dropped it when things got better. However, I MYSELF have been going to see our counselor but my wife has declined to go saying she doesn't want to go to counseling the rest of our lives.
The book explains how the answer to problems in M is not divorce. One thing I want you to notice in the book (which many people seem to miss) are the places that say the advice is for the M where both people are willing to work to save it. I think, (don't have my book with me right now) that the first place is at the very bottom page at the end of the ninth chapter. So for those who are skimming over chapters, they miss it. Once you get into the tenth chapter, it begins talking about affairs, etc. And, there is one place that MWD states if the spouse refuses to end their affair, file for a D.
The book speaks to a wide, or more general, audience. As Christy said, one size does not fit all. Bear in mind that the board is more specific and narrows down to the precise issue a board member is facing.
As a former wayward wife, I believe the book is much too soft for those M's with a wayward spouse. The book basically throws the waywards in with the "walk-aways". IMHO, there is such a need for how to DB a wayward spouse. We have some walk-away-wives on the forum, who are not wayward, and who would not need the same approach as a wayward wife, and vise-versa.
So, yes, you will hear some things you probably don't read in the book, but as for myself, I think I remain within the bounds of DB, which is to do what works. Don't go by your feelings, but by what works!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
