25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[sandi2]

Sandi, would you mind writing a little bit more on pride for all of us?

I should have been more clear in the choice of words, so thanks for bringing it to my attention. I was not referring to a more healthy type of pride we feel from our accomplishments, or proud of our family, etc. I don't "think" I was prideful, in a vain sense of speaking, before my A.

I certainly was not proud of my behavior related to my affair. I think the term I should have used is "stubborn pride". We've all probably had elder relatives who struggled with some level of stubborn pride in their older years (not cooperating with what was best for them, etc).

Mainly, I am referring to myself as having stubborn pride, b/c I did not want my sin exposed. And, b/c I felt no remorse. I wanted my behavior to remain a secret, so my reputation would not be tarnished. And, as crazy as this now sounds, I did not want to disappoint people who saw me as some type of role model. (It is the wayward mindset that has these selfish, irrational thoughts). When it all hit the fan, I informed my H if he ever told my kids what I did, I'd hate him to the day I died. It was my way of trying to control the fallout of my actions.

I googled "stubborn pride", and this is part of the definition: "It can be manifest as a reluctance to apologize or take responsibility for your own actions". So, that's a light description of me after my H"s confrontation about the affair. Even when I ended the A and decided to do the right thing and stay in my M.........it seem to take me forever to reach the place of remorse. I would not humble myself and ask for my H's forgiveness b/c of stubborn pride in my heart. Not proud of my actions, but in my heart I wanted to blame my H for how he failed me for so many years. Where there is so much resentment, bitterness, and loss of respect toward the LBH......it is very difficult for the WW to let go of it and forgive her H. Our old natural/sinful side wants to hold on to all of that negative stuff in the past, and somehow try to justify our own terrible actions. It prevents a person from feeling true remorse.

Being raised as a Christian, I knew what I should do........but the stubborn pride held me back. I was holding on to the anger I had for my H. I even prayed that God would help me get to that place of feeling remorse. B/c I had to get right with God, then get right with my H. Every time I prayed, my mind would be filled with the issues that caused my anger. Finally, I understood that I would not feel remorse for my actions, until I could forgive my H of the past. That was tough, but I'm sure not any more so than my H forgiving me. When I let go and forgave my H for the past.....the remorse for what I had done to him hit, and I thought it would kill me. I don't know how one could feel true remorse without humility. When I finally went to him, I was broken hearted for what I had done to him, and to our M. You can't be that angry at someone and feel remorse for betraying them, b/c the anger prevents the humility.

I believe it is wrong to accept a so-called apology for having an affair that just says, "I made a mistake".....as if to brush it off and pick up where the the MR left off. An affair is not a mistake, as if making a typo. It was a conscious decision made from a free will. (The fact that the person was vulnerable, or whatever, makes no difference in getting the heart right toward the one that was betrayed. In fact, being vulnerable, angry, or whatever, just gives more self justification for having an affair). It should take more than just a simple "Sorry you got hurt" to the betrayed spouse. There should be evidence of a change in attitude and behavior. The apology should show obvious sorrow & humility. If there is no evidence of changed behavior, then I would doubt the sincerity of a changed heart.

I don't know that I've explain my process a little better.

Thanks to 25, for using space on your thread.