25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[25yearsmlc]

[quote]I feel shame that I could be such a fool, that things were not as I believed and WTF is wrong with me not to see?! This is something I'll explore in T.

Why do you see yourself as being a fool? B/c H lied and deceived you? B/c you feel you should have been smarter or quicker in seeing the truth?

In all my resentment, and other forms of anger, I don't remember thinking of my H as a fool for not catching on to my affair sooner. In fact, I believed his complete trust in me was hiding the truth much better than my attempts of covering my affair. I am ashamed, but will admit, that I knew I was taking full advantage of his trust.



feeling like a fool, maybe this is a natural reaction to learning you have been deceived by the one who is suppose to love you the most. If this person had been someone else connected in some other way.......your intelligence and keen intuition would have alerted you. Please don't beat yourself up for trusting the man you married. ((25)). That is what we are taught to do. That is the vows that were made.

I doubt your H will show any outward signs of regretting his choices as long as he is running wild in his waywardness. You mentioned pride.


Sandi, thank you for all of this b/c I need it more than I would have thought.

H is telling the world how happy he is. He is exposing and claiming it's not an affair, obviously b/c "25 & i parted ways..." was said on fb before we parted (unknown to me).

Now Posting on fb that he is "in a relationship" and calling her his new "honey" and introducing her to the family...all on fb.

About a year ago we saw someone post things on FB that were just too private to expose and sounded silly and inappropriate. Poor taste. We had both found it distasteful in the past. Neither of us understood it and he high fived me when I said I'd "never do something like that, it's goofy and way too much information." So now he's doing it. ugh!

And yeah we are still married so...

When I am objective and take my ego out of it and my wounded heart, I do think it's odd behavior. My 23 y/o niece told my sister "it's not a normal post for any age, but for a man his age, it's just weird. Not to mention we know he's still married. It's weird and So over the top..."

There is something overcompensating about it, AND OR deliberately meant to harm me.

A wage garnishment had been attached to his pay about a week beforehand. He threatened to quit his job to avoid paying. So I'm sure he was not happy about that, in fact I know he wasn't. I'm pretty sure he does not see a connection between his zero communication w/me about money, and the need for a garnishment.

(I want predictability so I can budget. And I didn't really know about OW when that happened).

He either meant to slap me back, publicly, or he's truly oblivious and goofy, and I don't care which, b/c both options stink.

So the "exposure" is from him, not me. I remain publicly silent. I'm also not the type to do exposure of an A for the reasons you and I have discussed at length here. And b/c a small part of me wants to know that he is, someday, regretful about this. It's a $hitty way to end a long m, for sure.

When I was told that he listed the date they met as the day after I filed, I smh and managed an actual laugh. (Honestly, it only makes it slightly less insane).

Sandi I do not expect any regrets to be expressed at all, or at least not to me. I wish, but In fact he's not the type to look back much and say he 'screwed up",

but he is the type to blame me for "ruining the finances"...yes he is sooo proud.

HOWEVER, I'm told by informed sources that when it comes to talking to his L, "h seems distracted and unable to focus, except to complain about paying stbxw. Hard time staying on track and has disorganized thoughts..."

Sandi, this^^ both disturbs me and - I confess, delights me.

The disturbing part is b/c I'm a decent person and don't want mental illness to be his destiny.
I still care, and he's the father of my children.

The "delights me" part, of which I am not proud, is

1) obviously b/c I want to point to it as an explanation for his choosing the tundra and OW over me.

And 2) I think it makes me feel that all is not perfect in paradise. Not about OW probably but b/c

3) **I cannot wrap my brain around h being "totally happy" (so public about it) with zero contact with me and almost no contact with our children, few of our long term friends, none of my huge family - whom he loved, the loss of half the assets and far more than he apparently expected to lose, (for someone who thought this was "coming for a long time", he certainly did not plan out the details)...seems to have mostly new Alaskan friends who "like" his fb posts and praise him.

So knowing that at least some of this is uncomfortable for him, helps me not delude myself into thinking this was a breeze for him. That "all is GREAT now" (now that I've been replaced ) that image he is projecting - mightily and in everyone's face-- that is possibly the most frightening for me.

B/c it makes me feel very small. Like I wasted decades of my life being loyal to someone who didn't value it much at all.

**
Anyhow, yes, yes H is a proud proud man. That is another problem with his presentation to the world or at least up there. How could he ever "regret" his choices?

How can he retract his "New honey" from his world, now? Granted, we are not divorced and all those pesky details.

I think he's cornering himself into marrying her. Or plans to. And h sees nothing risky about that. Nothing rushed or odd, as it seems h has almost no self awareness or concern about how it looks to others, including to our children. He tries to talk about OW to them, and I'm told it bothers him that they are not interested in hearing about her.

Objectively speaking, that^^ is just weird. Looking back, I now see that H never saw himself as "leaving our family" when he went to do a fellowship, or when he went alone to Alaska the first time.

He'd say he was "just up the road" for the fellowship (300 miles) and was "just checking out a job" when he spent a year in Alaska, alone. That's convenient for him, but out of touch.

So, as our son said, he "substitutes his reality for ours"...and my gosh, that is true.

God, I was blind.