I managed to have a discussion with H about how all of this communication was not good for me. I told him that I felt it was 2 steps forward and 100 back (maybe not that many, but you understand). He said he was sorry that he continues to hurt me, and that is the last thing he wants to do. He said he wants me to be happy and if that means no communication with him then he understand. I hung up the phone and said I'll talk to you later, which is how I usually end conversations with him, and his response was "yes you will." Not really sure what that meant?
We didn't speak for a day and a half, which was okay with me. When he did call I found myself not wanting to answer the phone. He is coming over a lot more to help with getting things taken care of for the house. His love language is "acts of service" so I understand that he wants/needs to do all these things to help. But, is that to show me he does still love me and have feelings for me, or does he feel an obligation to help with selling the house, or is it guilt for what he has done and how he has treated me....not sure.
I called him that night to tell him that I didn't feel like it was good for me to have all this communication with him, his response took me a bit by surprise. He told me that he wanted me to know that during all of this time we have been separated that it hasn't been easy for him. He has had many low days, and his life hasn't been all happy and fun times like I think it is. He even said he hates to say it, but he thinks he might be depressed......ya think??
He came over again last evening to change some things out that I could not reach. We did not talk at all about how either one of us was feeling, no R conversations. We managed to work together on some things, and did not have any uncomfortable moments. It actually was a good evening. I think neither one of us felt any pressure....which was a change, a good change.
I am still moving forward with my life, but I felt myself falling backwards and that scared me. I dont want to make him feel bad for coming over, or make him feel guilty in anyway. If he wasn't around to help me with these jobs I don't honestly know how some of them would get done. I showed him some of the places I have looked at to move into, and I think he was sad to see that I am moving on, and was jealous (his words) of the area I was moving to.
Every time he leaves I find him lingering, almost like he doesn't want to leave. Maybe that is just me wanting to see that, or maybe he is wanting me to ask him to stay. I honestly don't know. He has started to hug me before he leaves, which is a new thing. He is the one who initiates the contact, and I must say that it is nice
So, I continue to push forward. I was reading a post that a poster named Raine put up yesterday, and it really made me think. She said:
I feel like I wasted so many years of my life during all of this, just worrying and hoping and thinking about how it's going to end. Don't do that. Step away from it and find the joy in your journey right now. Because this truly is a gift. You're really going to like the person that you become on the other side of all of this. That's who you are saving. When you wake up from this life transition, you're going to realize that what you really want, what makes you happy, is not the same thing you're hoping for right now. And that's a really good thing.
I hope one day that I can feel that everything I have been through has been a gift
