I'm sure my depression isn't helping. I dont really feel excited about doing anything right now. I will do things because I know I need to force myself.
I had therapy last night and my therapist and I are coming up with ways to boost my self esteem.
I talked alot about why I feel I need WAW even though she has proven to be a "runner" when things got bumpy. It's basically codependance mixed with a fear of abandonment stemming from the stuff I went through as a kid.
I talked alot about the shame and embarrassment I have for allowing myself to be in this predicament again. C was very happy that I was just spilling my guts about my fears and insecurities.
We then talked a little about WAW. My C is well versed in attachment theory. Basically, I have an anxious attachment style and WAW has an avoidant style. Her history speaks for itself. Lots of short relationships, lots of job changes, and frequent moves to other states.
He described the push/pull that happens in these types of relationships and how we end up in this continual "dance" with each other.
Honestly I thought I was doing much better with my stuff. I haven't been clingy or pressing her to spend more time with me for quite some time. And that's probably why I thought we were going to make it this time.
So... I need to start beleiving in myself. I also need to allow myself to feel my feelings no matter how uncomfortable they are. I tend to run from my feelings when they get to be too painful. All of this stems from my childhood.
Then I started talking about why I pick the women I do. My ex-wife is a bipolar alcoholic. The girl I dated after her for 4 years was emotionally unavailable and younger. WAW has issues from her childhood stemming from her parents violent divorce and her mother's subsequent relationships with lots of men (including getting married to a drug dealer that was sent to prison).
Basically, I rescue women. Subconsciously, if I see a woman that needs help or rescuing, I slap on my Codependent Super Hero Costume and spring into action. If I can save her, she will love me forever and never, ever, leave me.
Just writing this ^^^ stuff generates a feeling of shame/embarrassment for me. I feel broken and unworthy.
Couple all of that stuff ^^^ with WAW being an expert in projecting blame and never taking responsibility for her stuff, and its the perfect storm of shame for me.
Alot of the people Im close to have no idea I feel like this. So I carry it around like it's my shameful secret.
I need to start being ok with being uncomfortable for a while. Because in order to change this about myself, I am going to face some very painful emotions that I've probably stuffed for quite some time.
