So Confused and Conflicted (7)

[Vanilla]

There is also sense in which certain treatments and interactions including therapy and IC/MC create dynamics which asist wayward behaviour escalate.

Firstly it can validate poor behaviour. At least some of the responsibility becomes reflected back on the non wayward.

Secondly CBT and NLP help waywards learn better coping and protective techniques. They make better decisions with deception and covering their tracks. They learn new strategies.

Thirdly they point to the fact they were present as 'trying' and failing. And blaming.

Finally it can be a way of getting out of an R and blaming to get the biggest slice of the pie. For example deferring D or triggering the LBS. For example moving to a jurisdiction more favourable to their position on D then filing in that jurisdiction.

The most important aspect is to know that which is best for you, and to work on you. When people get to wanting out then they look after their interests and that should be considered. Waywards can be cruel and haphazard, they can also run and hide. They can also be brazen and bragging. There are all sorts. Showing your hand and having your heart on your sleeve makes you more vulnerable in some sitches.

I believe in Intel not perception. Know the facts, the law and youR rights and stand by them. Particularly important with regard to children.

There are also situations where being unfriendly and using LRT is just more of the same. Ignoring further a non wayward who feels neglected isn't going to help.

I think it's important to know if your spouse is wayward. We are not the thought police so that requires INTEL. Most people are poor at understanding deception.

A spouse who is done and S who has a bf or gf isn't wayward they are simply moving on. They are done. Especially if D papers are filed.

A spouse who chases, seduces or is being seduced, on dating sites etc having a PA or even an EA, or looking for one is wayward. This can apply even if the OP is unaware or uninterested or even non existant. This deception can put the non waywards sexual and physical health at risk.

Many M are as in DB just jaded and require great work, DB is amazing for those sitches. Truly most R even friendships have phases of closeness and distance. DB helps us learn and grow to be better partners. I confess I read both books on average once a month. When my time for a new R arises I trust I can be much better as a partner.

My M did not repair, in fact applying DB made my sitch worse. The stronger I got the more I was subjected to abuse. Very confusing at the time, not now though. I am still glad to have applied DB, do that which works, when nothing worked or could work for my M, DB worked for me.

Those are my thoughts

V