Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Thank you all so much for you kind posts. Just feeling so down at the moment. I guess because it is coming up to the one year mark and I don't feel anything has progressed one way or the other.

Roist, you are right that contacting H won't help. I think it just reinforces how much he DOESN'T want to be with me!

FightOn, I've asked myself a million times how it got to the stage where he doesn't think I'm worth it. To go from someone who literally worshiped the ground I walked on to nothing is now making me second guess the whole M/R. Was any of it real? Did I just see what I wanted to see? I'm starting to believe him now that maybe he didn't ever love me and instead it was his way of getting away from his lonely life. I feel like such an idiot.

Westo, thanks for the cwtch, it is very much needed at the moment. I think you hit the nail on the head; it is very surreal. I keep thinking that I will wake one morning and he will be back beside me.

Peace, your words are wise, thank you. I know I will get to the other side one day but it's the thought of going through this painful journey first. I try to remind myself everyday of what I have got and I am truly grateful. I just need to get to the stage where I believe the fact that I don't need H to be happy and have a fulfilling life.

Hawho, thanks for the visit. Everyday seems like such a struggle but I know I just need to get through it one day at a time. I know that things can change on a dime but I need to stop holding out for change in H and look for the change in me. I realise it's keeping me stuck.

Journaling - I started a little project I've been meaning to do for some time, painting the porch door and tidying up the porch area. I sucked it up and put my fear of spiders and all things that crawl aside and got stuck in to getting rid of some cobwebs. I have put the undercoat on the door and today I will paint on the top coat. I bought myself a little heart door hanging to spur me on and I think it's going to look lovely. Trying to put my stamp on the house.

Hope everyone is okay...