On Higher Ground

[HaWho]

Thanks Sotto. The above means a lot coming for you.

So Easter was nice. I made breakfast and then walked the dog w/the kids. In the afternoon h and I took the boys out for lunch. It was peaceful. But there is such an emptiness to h. I wish I could take some bellows and puff life into him.

In the morning, h called his family to wish them a happy holiday and he had the boys call, too. I am pretty sure that is new from last year. And two years ago this time he was out of his mind confused. He wasn't calling anyone. He was barricaded in his room and living in pure darkness.

I forgot to give s13 lunch money this morning. I asked h if he could bring it over. He said no, he was too far away and wouldn't make it. I think he just didn't feel like it. I was further away (assuming h was not lying about his location) and I drove it to s. H said a should learn his lesson and go without lunch. I ignored his message. I assume this is from his childhood playbook of dysfunction.

But, how sad is it that I just shrug off the possibility that he was lying about where he was? Surreal.

Anyway, this is the 2nd time all year s forgot so it's a blip not a norm. So, what would he learn from starving at school? Don't make a mistake, I suppose. There is so much good in s13. He is naturally very helpful and kind. I could never make him go without food!

When I came home h was PA. I am assuming he asked s and found out I drove s the money. I was making dinner and asked h if he wanted his heated up or just as a cold salad. His PA answer? I had that for lunch. EXACTLY what he used to say pre-BD.

In actuality, though he had fish for lunch and I made fish for dinner they were two different kinds and I politely told him so. Pre BD, I would have fussed over it: "oh, I am sorry! Can I make you something else?" Now? I wrapped it up and put it in the fridge and didn't think about it at all.

My food isn't good enough? Oh well!

S13 went to a friend's house over the weekend and came back upset. He just really noticed that h does not communicate with me. S said it is so different from other homes. It wrenched my heart.

I listened but said little. I questioned if I am doing the right thing for my kids. D is hard, too. I almost said h is going through something and I am trying to support him as best I can. In the end, not sure a 13 year old would care to hear that. Someday he might understand but today? He just wants a normal family.

I just feel sad that I didn't t make a better choice for my kids' sake. I know it's not my fault but I did choose this person.