Hi Wsh, I kind of thought the same thing about saved marriages, until I happened to notice the forum link about "another divorce busted." I've only gone there a couple of times, but maybe it could give you some encouragement. I know it helped me.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
M and R do get resolved. Generally better when the spouse is a walkaway rather than a wayward. The LBS gets it together.
LBS with waywards stay longest and those with abusive sitches and compulsives/addictive need more help. We often post most to those who are in most distress.
I worked some stats on it once. The more wayward in terms of OP the less likely to resolve.
In the end it's usually the LBS that walks away for good. By becoming the best you can be then you outgrow the wayward.
Those are my thoughts
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Exactly. Most people dont come here until the spouse is already in another relationship and/or moved out of the house. How many of those marriages would be saved otherwise? Maybe 1 in 1000? So if this site saves 5 in 1000, will anyone here really notice?
From what I've seen on the net, the odds are a lot better than 1/1000. Somewhere between 10% and 20% of marriages recover from separation. I think MWD said that 10% of divorced people remarry each other. But what I'm questioning is: How many of the people that come to this site recover their marriages? Is it better odds than the overall population, including everyone that does or does not come here or read DB material? I think it's probably better odds. But I think the most important DB rule is to do what is getting you positive results and to not do what is getting you negative results. If you are getting neutral results rather than positive results, it's also possible that you have to do it longer, but aside from that, those are the most important rules for fixing the marriage, I think. Don't just rigidly follow the other DB rules, because there is a good chance that DB doesn't work on everyone, and a good chance that it actually makes the situation worse in some situations. There is a lot of variation and uniqueness in people. To lump them all into one group and say "they all work this way" -- I'm skeptical of that. Yeah, we all breathe, eat, sleep, etc., but when it comes to psychology, there is a whole lot of variation.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
I know had I come here at the first signs of trouble, my marriage would have been saved. But, like you, I didnt realize the severity of the problems we were having.
That's such a shame, that all that love goes to waste because people couldn't see what was happening. And it's a shame that that is such a common glitch in our psychological systems. Why I couldn't see there was a huge need for change before my wife flipped the switch, I don't know. I think that's the fault of both of us: mine for not having the experience or knowledge to know that when she complains I need to take it seriously, whether she seems happy or not, and her for giving mixed signals about how happy she is in the marriage. It's salvageable, easily, I think. But once she flips the switch, it's hard to flip it back, especially if there is a wife-stealing POS in the way, and especially if she really slammed that switch to the other side.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Dealing with my W back then was like dealing with a petulant child. When she didn't get her way, it would get ugly. I had to learn how to effectively respond to her without adding fuel to the fire.
Oh man. I believe that was my biggest mistake in trying to reconcile early on. Anger is the fuel that has allowed my wife to be able to do what she has done. And post-BD wife has been an anger vacuum and generator. And when she started on her tirades, my trying to defend myself and argue with her did nothing but send her into a firestorm, and then the wall got 10 feet thicker each time, and she became 10 miles more distant. I should have handled it differently.
Originally Posted By: LITB
The first time we reconciled, she did turn back into her normal self. That wasn't a good thing, because she hadn't worked on herself and her old selfish behaviors remained.
And the second time? Did the "alien" leave? Was your wife back for the most part, with improvements? Was she her loving self again? Surely she must have been, for it to work, but I'm just asking.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I'm not fully caught up on your sitch, but I really empathize with the way your trying to make sense of it and in a way make something logical out of something that is not.
Regarding success rates, I don't believe there are many success stories here on the boards. Sadly when there seems to be one, years later it seems that the wayward spouse only does it again.
But here's the thing. Many of the LBS come on here blaming themselves for everything. They have been vilified and often gaslighted by the walkaways and come on here believing it. They later find that their walkways are really projecting some pretty dysfunctional behaviors...affairs, debt, addictions, etc. And have you read the stories on these boards? We are reading stories that truly belong on jerry springer. Some of the most heart breaking and cruel ways of treating people let alone the parents of your kids. Lots of abusive behaviors and no excuse for it
I think the lack of success rate is not necessarily due to the LBS not implicating the correct techniques. I think that for whatever reason most WAS on here are disloyal and lack commitment.
Marriage is hard and there are always universal issues between the sexes. Bit committed people stick it out and work on it. Non committed people dont.
So go easy on yourself. None of us are perfect and to go into a marriage thinking our partners will be and if not we get to leave and break our vows no?
I have DB'd 2 times and she came back both times. First time lasted 2 months. The second time, 3 months.
Both times I went complete and total NC. I waited for her to reach out first and I prepared myself to never talk to her again. My thinking was basically I was going to respect her wish to leave me. I felt like the most loved nig thing I could do, was respect her wish to be away from me.
The problem is this... if BOTH people do not work on themselves, nothing will change. It's only a matter of time for old behaviors to surface and another break up.
I've been reading a lot lately about love avoidant spouses. And a lot of WAS seem to fit this profile.
Bottom line, the odds are stacked against you. But it's not impossible. In my opinion, the fastest way to get your ex back is to let them go. And I don't mean pretend to let them go but, actually let them go. Pretend they are deceased if you have to. Let them go.
I have DB'd 2 times and she came back both times. First time lasted 2 months. The second time, 3 months.
Both times I went complete and total NC. I waited for her to reach out first and I prepared myself to never talk to her again. My thinking was basically I was going to respect her wish to leave me. I felt like the most loved nig thing I could do, was respect her wish to be away from me.
The problem is this... if BOTH people do not work on themselves, nothing will change. It's only a matter of time for old behaviors to surface and another break up.
I've been reading a lot lately about love avoidant spouses. And a lot of WAS seem to fit this profile.
Bottom line, the odds are stacked against you. But it's not impossible. In my opinion, the fastest way to get your ex back is to let them go. And I don't mean pretend to let them go but, actually let them go. Pretend they are deceased if you have to. Let them go.
saying that DB usually fails overlooks that most m's enter this site when in crisis.
Retrovaille is a workshop with about an 80% rate of attendants still being married, 3 years later. We did it and it helped us turn a corner.
Without DBing I'm absolutely sure I would have filed for D and my m would have ended 11 years ago. Is that really saying DB failed?
Try not to look for reasons to give up.
Also, I studied several approaches to cope with my h's behavior and our marriage back in 2006/07. Some were tough love, some were a bit doormattish for me, and some were counter intuitive but healthy, like DB. I also had a great DB coach.
I can attest that I was a better wife and mother, b/c of DB practices. It kept my d's in the same home and school district and for a lot of the past decade, we were good. Period.
Don't look for certainty or guarantees in human relationships. They simply don't exist. Here is an exercise to try. Please give it a chance.
Just for a few minutes, try this...
imagine that your w had passed away. Naturally you reel from the loss and you grieve...Now imagine that some years have passed.
Imagine that you had processed the grief, & healed, & that you had finally moved forward.
Imagine that you are moving on without her, but that you are happy & at peace.
What would be going on in your life?
Would you move or travel? Where?
Would you take up a new hobby? Like what? Would you switch jobs? Explore different careers?
Would you take classes, volunteer somewhere, become more physically active? Would you date? Maybe remarry & have a family?
Really try to flesh out (write out details) the picture of what your life would be like without her, but with you happy.
And now, which of those activities ^^^ can you begin or achieve or attempt, now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
