25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[sandi2]

I feel shame that I could be such a fool, that things were not as I believed and WTF is wrong with me not to see?! This is something I'll explore in T.

Why do you see yourself as being a fool? B/c H lied and deceived you? B/c you feel you should have been smarter or quicker in seeing the truth?

In all my resentment, and other forms of anger, I don't remember thinking of my H as a fool for not catching on to my affair sooner. In fact, I believed his complete trust in me was hiding the truth much better than my attempts of covering my affair. I am ashamed, but will admit, that I knew I was taking full advantage of his trust.

I was such a kid when we married. We both were kids. Never had been with anyone else, and trusted each other completely, I would have told everyone there was no way on earth either of us would ever cheat. I think with some couples, the line of trust becomes blurred with taking the MR for granted......and they stop trying to fill the EN of each other.

It mostly seems like a very bad dream to me. I could give dozens of excuses, including the way the doctors were really messing with my medication. I was placed on four prescriptions of anti-depressants.............and then taken off (cold turkey) all of them at once. My poor mother "chose" to believe that was the only way her moral & religious daughter could ever cheat in her M. However, I know how I felt toward my H a long time before the prescriptions.......and I take responsibility for my actions.

Anyway, back to you feeling like a fool, maybe this is a natural reaction to learning you have been deceived by the one who is suppose to love you the most. If this person had been someone else connected in some other way.......your intelligence and keen intuition would have alerted you. Please don't beat yourself up for trusting the man you married. ((25)). That is what we are taught to do. That is the vows that were made.

I doubt your H will show any outward signs of regretting his choices as long as he is running wild in his waywardness. You mentioned pride. My lord how I had so much pride. I think it could have driven me out of town, and away from my family, if my H had decided to "expose" me before the world (b/c I had not repented from my wayward behavior). Not saying everyone else shouldn't either, just stating how I think it would have affected me at that time. Pride was my biggest hinderence in apologizing, humbly, to my H. As a rational person can clearly see, I had nothing in myself to warrant pride. I had a wayward mindset, and that type of mindset needs to experience remorse and humility.

My dear 25, I sincerely pray for your family's healing, and especially for you. I have witnessed the pain that adultery causes. My children suffered (and one still suffers) the result of a divorce from a cheating spouse. For me, that is as close as personally experiencing the pain of a LBS, ..........b/c as parents, we take on some of the pain of our children. Every day, I see the pain and it breaks my heart. However, I have not been in those LBS' shoes and I realize I don't really know the feeling of betrayal by the one I married. I am so sorry this terrible experience has come into your life. No matter how strong you are, when pain comes.........you still feel it. So, continue to talk about it, or whatever it takes to get you to a better place.

I marvel how helpful you continue to be for others, and in spite of your pain.......you do not sound bitter in your positive & supporting posts on threads of board members. You have always given wonderful advice, and the first thing I noticed in your thread........is how you give yourself the same brand of advice. That our 25!