Separated In Process of Divorce (Anniversary)

[sellout]

Another thing guys and gals...If a miracle happened and say for instance a year down the road after divorce is final and we are living our separate lives, etc... and then...she comes around and wants to get back together and get remarried, etc... What is the game-plan at that point? Tell her no, yes, wait it out, etc... Long shot this would ever happen but... Additionally, how would I ever forgive/forget what she is currently doing? Has anyone ever been through this? Good/bad stories?

[LH19]

How could you possibly know what the game-plan is now? She would walk across the street and spend the night with another man. Could you ever forgive and forget that happened?

[Thornton]

You're getting way ahead of yourself buddy.

Time is a great healer, it really is. When two people take time apart and work on their issues, you'd be amazed at what you can and are willing to forgive.

For some people, an affair is a absolute deal-breaker. Case closed.

For others, an affair can actually be something that wakes them up and makes them want to work on the M. Look at some of the vets here that experienced an affair and their relationship with their spouse now is better than it was before the affair.

Remember, affairs are a symptom of something wrong in the relationship. People dont have affairs when they are on the same page as their spouse (unless they are a sociopath).

[25yearsmlc]

Also, should I give my wedding ring back to her? If so, how/when?

stop trying to control the outcome with gestures like these. It's a hollow act and your goal of getting a reaction out of her is transparent.

The resolution of your marital situation is not coming soon.


How do you feel about your conflict resolution skills? I don't mean "confrontation management", but how you actually work out something with someone who feels differently than you do, about something that matters? My guess is that you both need to hone your skills there b/c there are still issues that are unresolved. The way you two married, (barely??) sounds poorly grounded.

So there are some basics you can work on in yourself, regardless of what your w does.

I feel as if you are very reactive and so is your w. Do you think you drink too much? I have to say if I had a NYE like you two did, I'd probably never taste another drop.

Though I mention your w (^^) and her reactivity, she's not here seeking advice. You are. So nothing we say about what SHE should do or benefit from, is very relevant.

What YOU can do or benefit from, is.

I hope you'll see an IC and I do not say that as an insult. I am. I did, I will again.

Getting IC Is not a bad sign, it's the opposite. Most of us need tools for handling these issues and it's clear that you lacked them. (Or there would not be so many unresolved matters and long held resentments)

My main regret in my situation is about how we pieced, once we reconciled, H's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer so we put tings on hold, but ultimately my h never did seek out counseling for his own crap. (And so here we are).

Hang in there, I don't think your story is over. But you need some professional help and there is no shame in that. You'll be better equipped for whatever happens & you'll be a stronger father.


Hope your son is shielded from as much of this as possible.

[25yearsmlc]

How could you possibly know what the game-plan is now? She would walk across the street and spend the night with another man. Could you ever forgive and forget that happened?

why do we ask people these^^ questions? To what end? Isn't there a better more open way to prod thought?

I'm sincerely asking, b/c I worry about projecting our own situations onto others.

[25yearsmlc]

You're getting way ahead of yourself buddy.

Time is a great healer, it really is. When two people take time apart and work on their issues, you'd be amazed at what you can and are willing to forgive.

For some people, an affair is a absolute deal-breaker. Case closed.

For others, an affair can actually be something that wakes them up and makes them want to work on the M. Look at some of the vets here that experienced an affair and their relationship with their spouse now is better than it was before the affair.

Remember, affairs are a symptom of something wrong in the relationship. People dont have affairs when they are on the same page as their spouse (unless they are a sociopath).

this^^

focus on your own growth and becoming the best man, the best father (and potential h) you can become.

[25yearsmlc]

Another thing guys and gals...If a miracle happened and say for instance a year down the road after divorce is final and we are living our separate lives, etc... and then...she comes around and wants to get back together and get remarried, etc... What is the game-plan at that point? Tell her no, yes, wait it out, etc... Long shot this would ever happen but... Additionally, how would I ever forgive/forget what she is currently doing? Has anyone ever been through this? Good/bad stories?

Estimates are from 7- 15% of marriages are people remarrying their exes. I have 2 in my family.

You met your w when she was very young and she became a very young, out of wedlock mother. You both had a lot of responsibility from an early age and some of your life experiences have produced behaviors that seem, for lack of a better term, immature. And that's fixable.

When you get some better life and relationship skills - you'll be better prepared for what comes. So that's a task for you.

You want predictability and certainty where there is none. (Even if you remained married now, we could not give that certainty to you.)

But You control the amount and type of growth YOU experience. That is within your control.

if both of you do this, ^^ (& you won't know whether she is or does or will), then you can assess then. There will be much 2 way forgiveness work to do.

At some point you two will need to stop assigning blame about the past, and work on raising your son, going "from this day forward."

Questions about what the game plan would be IF & WHEN ^^ you both grow and want to recommit if that happens,

overlook the amount of work and time it would take to connect deeply & authentically.
It's work. Most really good things in life are hard, but often, pretty simple.

And all good things in life come with no guarantees.

Asking us now what YOU and she will become like in the future & how you will interact with each other, is not productive. It keeps you stuck.

I think your real question is, "is there hope?" And my answer, fwiw, is yes.

So, back to YOU...

[sellout]

A lot of very wise people on here. I can tell you all the overall mistake I've made here and not that this is going to come as any surprise. I didn't have patience. I wanted immediate results. This (or anything in life) doesn't work that way. Don't be an idiot like me and loose your wife, family and everything else because you are impatient. One of the crazy things that I said to my wife one time during all of this is "we are smart people that make a lot of money and have a lot of things, we can figure this out". Ha! What a joke. It doesn't matter how smart you are, how good of a job you have, how handsome/pretty you are, etc... NONE of that matters at the end of the day. I have now somewhat shifted my focus to Grief Recovery and have discovered the 5 Stages and can honestly say that I have bounced around in each of these stages quite a bit (more so #1-4). Hope this helps someone out there.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

[MoveFrwd]

I can tell you all the overall mistake I've made here and not that this is going to come as any surprise. I didn't have patience. I wanted immediate results.

So how does saying 'it's over' right now and moving on show an improvement in your lack of patience?

[sellout]

Its over in a sense of what it once was and the perception of what I thought it was. I am committed to moving on with myself to ensure health and happiness no matter the outcome of this marriage. If it works out, great...if not, I am a better person anyways. Make sense?