Clearly, our WAS's have issues. But so do we. The difference is that we are willing to work on the issues, they aren't.
Yup. And we're thinking about what they might be, and we're trying to change ourselves rather than other people.
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I'm sure it's because of my fear of her leaving me because I insinuated that I'm not the responsible for ALL the problems in the relationship.
I was pretty clear with H that I felt he should be in counseling. He seemed to have some trauma surfacing, especially regarding his kids. There were a few times when I woke up at 5:30am to him wailing and hitting his head against the headboard, because he was so worried about what his ex was doing to his son (emotionally).
He agreed with me that he needed to address whatever was going on, for his own sake and to be a better parent. But he never followed through.
And I was naive and never thought it would be projected onto me.
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Like you, 10 months ago, W contacted me after 3 months of NC. She asked to meet for coffee. As soon as she saw me pull up in the parking lot, she walked towards me and started bawling. She hugged me and wouldn't let go. She then proceeded to spill her guts for 3 hours while crying in front of all the Starbucks customers. I can only imagine that it probably looked like I was dumping her to an outsider!
She promised me the moon and the stars. And I beleived every word out of her mouth. How could I not? She was a mess and seemed genuine.
Aww.
That's a bit over the top, though, right? Other adults who behave this way are people from whom others with a healthier outlook would run. But I understand that you loved her and wanted to believe what she was saying. And the fact that she seemed almost embarrassingly emotionally out of control meant she really loved you, right?
No judgment. I saw H, and he told me how his father was ill and he thought "she's the only one who will understand". It wasn't long before he brushed my hair behind my ear and called me a pet name. He told me he was so sorry and that he'd loved me the entire time (9 months of NC) and never wanted to be apart from me.
I made him work a bit and didn't just jump back in. He'd been dating someone else, his usual type.
Making him prove himself wasn't enough. I heard the words. I saw his behavior. I know he loves me as much as he's capable. And until he deals with his inner demons, he can't be the man I need him to be. It's as simple as that.
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After our argument, she ended things with me and is cold as ice. A few times she has been friendly and it's almost like she catches herself and convinces herself that she has to maintain this anger with me.
Absolutely. I got the same. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing that it was hurting me, though. I walked tall, and didn't speak to him but would respond when he spoke to me, and made sure I spoke to everyone else in a happy voice.
It didn't make a lick of difference. When I was packing, he tried to pick several fights with me and I wouldn't bite. Boy, that was hard. I wanted to cry and yell at him about how what he was doing made no sense. (And I cried in private and vented to friends.)
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I see her trying to find things to keep herself mad at me, but I'm not giving her any ammo. And I think that makes her mad.
I'm sorry. Yes, I experienced the same thing. He wasn't seeing me for me, rather he saw me as something from which he wanted to escape. And he didn't even understand why so he tried to invent things.
The level of anger did not make any sense. I didn't cheat, I didn't steal, I didn't shoot anyone's puppy. If things were as he said, and he was making a rational choice and didn't want to be with me anymore, why couldn't he be friendly/mature? Because the reasons he said were not the real reason.
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All my friends are telling me to run as fast as I can from her. They all seem to think she has some deep issues from her crazy childhood. A few people have brought up Borderline Personality Disorder.
You know, it's possible. I've thought about H having a personality disorder because it felt an awful lot like splitting, but I don't think so. He's normally pretty empathetic and kind. If anything, it's a history of trauma and imitating the narcissists he grew up with. I felt like I got to see what his childhood was like. It didn't feel very good.
Your friends care about you and they see your hurt. They see that you've tried so hard and W keeps doing the same thing over and over. They mean well, and their advice (run) is about taking care of you. I know you don't want to let her go so don't. Move on without moving on, if that's what you need.
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But it does help me to detach when I feel completely and totally powerless to fix her or help her get better.
You are 100% powerless to help her. No matter who she is, we can never change nor fix someone else. They have to want it for themselves, and she's shown you that she doesn't.
I think that she sees that you don't let her pretend. You know who she is and you know she could be doing better. And she wants to get away from the mirror you are holding up.
I read your history, and in your first thread you talk about her history with alcoholism. I might think that she never addressed what led her to self-medicate with alcohol, and it's whatever that is that is causing her to act out toward you.
Let go, my friend. This is her journey now. No one knows what will happen, but she's got to learn that there are consequences for her choices and that you are not a doormat.
Moving out was one of the hardest things I've done. That night, I was almost catatonic from having a sobbing fit the moment I stopped moving. But I did it, because I am no one's emotional punching bag. I continue to have doubts about whether it was the right choice, especially after reading DR and it seems that staying and let the MLCer/WAH be the one to leave. But I've found peace, and I couldn't find it with him. Whatever will happen will happen.
