Thank you Ciluzen for the reminder to slow down. I have a bad tendency to escalate things in my head.

Thank you Job for your quick reply as well. I called the doctor's office and went in. All is fine. Just a bad cold. Per usual suggestion, if it worsens, call back.

In the meantime, H told me this morning that I am going to be served. He graciously added that he won't do it to me at work. What a nice guy, huh?

The conversation came up in the context of putting the house up for sale. He said he was going to have some minor repairs completed this week and then contact the listing agent. I told him that I am not agreeable to that.

Of course, he became angry. Per his usual M.O. he put on his work supervisor cap and began talking to me like I was some kind of minion in his employ. He went on and on about how he has no idea what my plans are and that I haven't share them with him. (Yup, totally own that) He also went on and on about how I don't talk. (Yup, totally own that.) I let him vent and he then he said, well, we can take care of that in the divorce. In my mind I thought, damn right. That's when he made the comment about not having me served at work. Lol!

After S woke up, a ton more PA behavior. He asked S to pick up his toys and then told him that it is good training to stay clean and orderly for when he joins the Marines (something he knows I have reservations about). Later on, more comments about sugar content of food and more preaching about the virtues of eating clean. (Insert eye roll here.)

Then when we weren't ready to be out the door by 7:15 a.m., he told me that in the future he would like us to be ready to leave at that time so he can be present when we drop S off at daycare and he can be on time for work. Otherwise, he can't be there for the drop off. My only reply was that I will continue to do the best that I can.

I didn't reply to any of his remarks, comments, rants. I just let it all flow through me. There is no point. And really, at this point, if I take position A, he will take position B. I don't see any point telling him anything just so he can contradict me or argue.

I am trying to focus on my future and the things that I need to get done.

I still find myself ruminating about H and the OW and wanting so badly that they not get back together. Them being together would just be another dagger to my heart. I don't know how much more can I take. I also find myself thinking that I want him to be unhappy. Intellectually and morally, I know it's wrong and selfish. I find myself wanting or thinking I need it to validate the way I see things (i.e., the marriage wasn't as he has rewritten it, I am not a terrible person/horrible partner).

While I know THEIR relationship has nothing to do with me; it feels as if it does. I don't know why.

I don't like that some outside event, completely out of my control, is something I am looking to help make me happy. It's like hoping a certain team loses so your team can advance. I've never liked that line of thinking.

Throughout this journey I have believed that the chances of H changing his mind were slim. And seeing what happens on these boards has confirmed it. Nevertheless, I charged forward with every ounce of my being to make change. In some respects I have succeeded and in that regard I am grateful. I won't be able to save the marriage and that is okay. I think I have slowly come to terms with that. What I still have trouble with is the thought that I am also losing my son. And that I cannot bear.