25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[25yearsmlc]

Sandi

I like the hijack for a couple reasons. I journaled here about feeling hatred for h. Not saying it's a feeling that will remain.

I seriously doubt it but I'm processing my emotions out loud here. It's helpful to my process. I won't hate h, but I see him with a "shaking my head" kind of pity and disregard. He has had little contact with our children, which is just cowardly.

I'll be seeing a new T starting tomorrow (getting my car today, thank God).

Yes I do see my h differently now b/c of the OW -- or rather, the deceit involved.
and the way he's behaving toward me is simply dishonorable.

If h really had started seeing her right after I filed (his story is that he met her, the DAY after I "suddenly filed for divorce", as if he was hurt, shocked, etc)

I would just see him as a man who cannot be alone. But knowing of the lies and silence of lies...ugh.


I FEAR that our m was not what I thought it was, much more than I feared that before.

I feel shame that I could be such a fool, that things were not as I believed and WTF is wrong with me not to see?! This is something I'll explore in T.

The mental movies that create sick feelings in the pit of my stomach about h and OW, are not as bad as the marital revisions I've done, (which I must not keep doing.)

Again, it's a process for me. And I will get to the other side.

Hearing your process Sandi, and how you feel and see things years later, is immensely helpful to me.

What were my "best case scenarios"?? NOT SURE...if you had asked me a few months ago, I'd have said "EITHER, healing, discovering things about myself, exploring the world as a single adult woman, which I've never been..."

OR
that
"h REALLY gets it and h feels deep remorse (to show that he gets it, not b/c I want him in pain) and gets T & good help to cope with all his weirdnesses and unresolved issues and his disloyalty AND finally really appreciates my love..."

Even as I write this^^^ I know that the odds of h doings this^^ are nearly 0.

Even if he regrets his behavior-or thinks he's ruined the family, I'd never hear about it -- too much pride.

At Retrovaille his moment of clarity was powerful and very painful for him. But it was that moment that showed me, "H gets it". No need for me to add on. Problem solved..but it was not solved.

In retrospect his remorse was short lived b/c it's SO incompatible with how he sees himself.

After all, If h is a great man, (which has to be a given or he will crumple) he would not have hurt his family and therefore, it did not happen or it's someone else's fault.

And Now that secrets are coming out, events are seen in a new darker light,
and I see our marriage differently.


This^^ deeply troubles me.

Sometimes I think it's better not to know how many lies there were.

IF h were to want to reconcile (no folks, I'm not holding my breath) then maybe the lies would need revealing but I'm not even sure of that.

I will need some sort of "non crap" relationship with him for the kids events, but that's not for today.