The reason I asked what you do for work, is because I wondered if you have to work on certain projects with co-workers. If you do work as a team, how do you communicate your expectations?
Are you familiar with The Five Love Languages? We tend to love others the way we would like to he loved. Same thing with expectations. We tend to place expectations on others based on the way we would do things. If those expectations are not clearly communicated, we often come away disappointed when they go unmet. Point being, make sure to communicate clearly.
I also realize that you have had difficulty with not understanding the cues your W gave you about her unhappiness. Believe me, I missed cues too. Looking back at how my W communicated her unhappiness before BD as a reference and learning that men and women communicate differently, I listen more closely. That's why we have 2 ears and 1 mouth. To listen twice as much as we talk. If I am uncertain about something, I will repeat what my W said to me and say something like this, "You said this, and this is what I heard. Is that right?" The first time I did that, it caught her by surprise.
Anyway, you can practice your relationship skills in all aspects of your life. Hope this helps.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I also realize that you have had difficulty with not understanding the cues your W gave you about her unhappiness. Believe me, I missed cues too. Looking back at how my W communicated her unhappiness before BD as a reference and learning that men and women communicate differently, I listen more closely. That's why we have 2 ears and 1 mouth. To listen twice as much as we talk. If I am uncertain about something, I will repeat what my W said to me and say something like this, "You said this, and this is what I heard. Is that right?" The first time I did that, it caught her by surprise.
Very well said, sir. Well said.
However, one of the things that we must realize is that sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons - which they may have thought were right at the time. Now, what I'm about to say isn't in defense of them, but it must be said.
Ever been in a relationship that you wanted out of? See, we are viewing them and their ideas through our own knowledge and eyes. We don't even consider that sometimes the love just isn't there. It is what it is. We hold on to something we have no business holding on to.
And these labels that are so easily thrown around. Good grief.
But, what it boils down to is that they are done. There is no cloud bullshit. No MLC bullshit. THEY ARE DONE. We must accept that and move on. Sometimes they are nice about it and try to let us down easily. Sometimes, they aren't so nice. Either way, it doesn't matter.
Ever broken up with someone and they begged/cried/screamed/stalked? We are/have doing the same thing. And we've all done it, including me.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
To answer your question Jeep....yes, I have been in a relationship that I ended and the other person wanted to continue. It was during the separation from my W, so I knew the playbook and pursuing is annoying.
To be clear, are you thinking that Wsh falls under that category or is that a general statement?
That being said, it is nearly impossible to identify which relationships on these forums fall under that category. I've seen some of the best DB'ers unable to save their M/R, but leave this place happier/confident than when they arrived. I have also seen some not so good DB'ers save their their M/R. There are other factors that come into play that are unknown to us because we only hear one side of the sitch.
No matter which category a relationship falls under, it ultimately boils down to self-improvement and gaining the skills to improve all relationships. I also realize that people only change when they want/choose to change. I like to encourage change as much as possible. Sometimes it doesn't work out and that is perfectly okay.
I think the beauty of these forums is that we are all complete strangers trying to bring a little light into a dark world at a difficult time.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
That being said, it is nearly impossible to identify which relationships on these forums fall under that category. I've seen some of the best DB'ers unable to save their M/R, but leave this place happier/confident than when they arrived. I have also seen some not so good DB'ers save their their M/R. There are other factors that come into play that are unknown to us because we only hear one side of the sitch.
I haven't seen a very strong correlation between DB and saved marriages. Just because I haven't seen it, though, that doesn't mean it isn't there. The vast majority of the people on these forums didn't save their marriages, but maybe the ones that did save their marriages aren't being fully represented in the math, because maybe most people that reconcile, leave these forums and don't come back, unless they get in trouble again. That makes me take the DB advice with a grain of salt. I think it's mostly good advice, especially for saving yourself, but I am very careful about trusting it with making the right decision for my marriage. Even the DB Coach, Chuck, suggested I talk to my wife, when everyone here was saying to have no contact. My wife already believed I didn't care for her, at BD. So, no contact, entirely, just seems like a reinforcement of that belief, but I don't know. I initially won her heart by playing a little hard to get, because I just figured she would be another heart-breaker, but I did get ten years out of her before she broke my heart. So, it was well worth it. Better to have loved and lost.
Originally Posted By: LITB
No matter which category a relationship falls under, it ultimately boils down to self-improvement and gaining the skills to improve all relationships. I also realize that people only change when they want/choose to change. I like to encourage change as much as possible.
Self-improvement is always great, for keeping your marriage and just improving your life, if it doesn't save your marriage. I definitely agree with that part of DB.
Originally Posted By: LITB
I think the beauty of these forums is that we are all complete strangers trying to bring a little light into a dark world at a difficult time.
That is true.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
You can take it with a grain of salt. Essentially this is a trauma center for marriages. Most marriages are dead on arrival. Perhaps a pulse can be found, and then the journey to recovery can begin.
This is what I am certain of, the LBS has to improve themselves to have any hope.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB, did your wife become a very different person when she was wayward, like almost unrecognizable to you, as far as her personality? And did she mostly turn back into her normal or old self after reconciliation?
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Essentially this is a trauma center for marriages. Most marriages are dead on arrival.
Exactly. Most people dont come here until the spouse is already in another relationship and/or moved out of the house. How many of those marriages would be saved otherwise? Maybe 1 in 1000? So if this site saves 5 in 1000, will anyone here really notice?
I know had I come here at the first signs of trouble, my marriage would have been saved. But, like you, I didnt realize the severity of the problems we were having.
LITB, did your wife become a very different person when she was wayward, like almost unrecognizable to you, as far as her personality? And did she mostly turn back into her normal or old self after reconciliation?
Dealing with my W back then was like dealing with a petulant child. When she didn't get her way, it would get ugly. I had to learn how to effectively respond to her without adding fuel to the fire.
The first time we reconciled, she did turn back into her normal self. That wasn't a good thing, because she hadn't worked on herself and her old selfish behaviors remained.
Like I said, so many other factors play a role in why people do the things they do. My W had a rough childhood. Did it play a role? Who knows?
I found myself spending too much time wondering "why". It wasn't productive and no answer would ever suffice. It took me letting go and moving on with my life, because life awaits no one.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Exactly. Most people dont come here until the spouse is already in another relationship and/or moved out of the house. How many of those marriages would be saved otherwise? Maybe 1 in 1000? So if this site saves 5 in 1000, will anyone here really notice?
I know had I come here at the first signs of trouble, my marriage would have been saved. But, like you, I didnt realize the severity of the problems we were having.
Definitely agree with you, Kaizen. This ^^^ is so common on here.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
