Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Thanks Peace. I hate that I have to feel this way. I hate that I have to grieve when no one has died. I know I am responsible for my own feelings and happiness and I am trying but it's so hard when I miss my H so much. When I think of how dismissive he is of me now yet I have to respect his feelings.

Warning pity party just about to start...

I just don't want to be divorced again and that's why I am so desperately trying to cling on. I haven't contacted him but each day it gets harder not to. I am afraid that his one year lease is coming up and he might start approaching me about selling the house or I don't know what. Or he might tell me he is moving in with someone he has kept under wraps for a year. I know this is all in my head but I can't stop making this stuff up. I'm trying so hard to keep busy but it just doesn't help. I'm trying to prepare for the worst.

I go to family get togethers and I am the only one without a partner and I feel like such a leper, a failure. Why did this have to happen to me, why! None of my sister's marriages are perfect but they love each other enough to stay together. Why did I have to marry someone who tells me he doesn't love me enough to make the effort. Am I really that unlovable? Maybe I am. Maybe I need to accept that I should be in my own and not put anyone else through this hell again.

I keep looking at couples and wonder what they have. I see how they look at each other and I can't see what it is. I feel nothing, I feel numb, I feel defective.

Sorry, pity party over! There is nothing I can do about the sitch, nothing I can do to influence it so I just have to keep going and live my life as well as I can for myself and D. It's not the life I want or planned but that life is out of my control I know that but I hate it.