Sometimes D is best for everyone involved. I'm toying with that idea myself. My fWW are "reconciled" but to be honest, she has always seemed tainted to me ever since her A. I used to think so much more of her as a person. This version of her is not near as special. She's not necessarily doing anything wrong. She has been a model former wayward doing all the things that are prescribed of former wayward spouses but I'm starting to think "so what?"
TxHubby,
I worry about this^^. I don't want the ultimate road my marriage is taking, to be projected onto others. I want more for you. You say she's being a model former wayward, and with all due respect b/c I REALLY hear your pain,
is there a part of you that wants to punish her?
In the unlikely event I ever recon with h, (and I mean, UNLikely), I'd need to know what steps he took to avoid making these types of choices and how he resolved whatever crap is within him, to be so dishonest for so long, and this could only to be learned through therapy and workshops, where I can share the experience and feel trust again.
This^^ would take at least a few years. But my situation has been much longer than yours, and if you read through my whole thread (which would deserve an award) you'd see a very different piecing process.
Our piecing was interrupted by H's mothers' cancer. We did not resume the needed parts once she passed away.
And years later, here I am.
Whatever plan or approach you choose for piecing, you have to keep at it. Forever. (Which we were probably supposed to do in our m's anyhow). And you cannot hold the A over her head like the sword of Damocles, or throw it in her face every time she fails at something b/c hey, we are flawed humans. It really has to be dropped by you.
But If you mean you feel like saying, "W, I now realize I'll never see you in the light I want to see my wife in, no matter what you do. We must divorce",
just know you are then the WAS. Know that you are arguably simply not forgiving her, b/c hey, it's really hard.
Is that^^ viewpoint okay with you?
(Yes, I'm aware there's another viewpoint, I just wanted to check you on this one).
With time you can "get over" a cheating spouse but things will never really be the same. We'll tell you they will be to keep hope alive for you but the reality is it isn't. It'll never be the same once one of the spouses cheats. They're forever tainted because they violated their vows. Some choose to stay anyway and live with the tainted R. I did....for the time being at least.
