I haven't updated in awhile, and there isn't much new to report. Retrouvaille is coming up in a few weeks, so we will see how that goes. I'm neither looking forward to it or dreading it (as I thought I might), but more thinking I will go into it as openminded as I can. The good thing is I am forcing myself to get off the fence, as I have been waffling around a bit in the last couple years. It's time to roll up my sleeves and do this.
I was inspired by a post from Sandi to TO a couple weeks go and copied some of it over here with my comments, how it relates to my sitch, and then I lost the entire thing. Gaaah! I hate when that happens. My posts dont always come through when I use the iPad. I will take a stab at it again in the near future. Need to have an actual keyboard for that, so I can neatly copy and paste.
H has been having a hard time lately. He desperately wants to go to MC and feels we need to work on things more. We did have a great MC--pricey but well seasoned--however I still want to wait, I think since we have committed to Retrouvaille, I want to see how that goes for now. He has made comments that I share more with others (and online) than I do with him. I don't feel that I do, but I think he is asking for more communication. It's valid. I need to work on being more open and vulnerable with him. Still a bit of a wall there.
Also Hs mother is dying. It's hard; she is a beautiful person and exceptional grandmother. One thing I don't know if I've shared is that when I learned about H and OW (about 3 years ago) it was while my father was dying and I found out about them soon after he passed. It was awful. Talk about being kicked while you are down. It still boggles my mind.
I have noticed a theme on here that waywardness often happens during significant life events--death, loss, pregnancy, newly married, a big move, and purchase of a house, etc. It doesn't seem a coincidence at all. Perhaps those that struggle to cope with change, fear, loss of independence, etc, are turning to others for comfort?
It's so hard to wrap my head around it because when I see someone hurting or going through stress, my natural tenedency is to turn towards them, not away. I just wanted to invite some conversation around that. My H said he felt especially guilty about the A, while my father was dying. Guilt lead him to leave the A several times, but it was ultimately not what ended it.
Just my thoughts this morning.
Happy Easter to those observing it. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I'm sorry to hear about H's Mum. He is very fortunate to have you to support him.
I think it interesting how some people can cope with life changing events and others feel the need to run. Do you think H's need to go to MC is because he has made the connection with his waywardness at the time you lost your Dad?
It's good that he isn't just sitting back and hoping things will get better magically. Sounds like Retrouvaille might just be the ticket....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I have had very similar thoughts. My ex started detaching when times became difficult for me with health issues and loss. I remember talking to my mom and making excuses for him when he left. I gave her the list of all the stresses in our lives. She reminded me how those stresses were really my stresses not his.
It's funny, I always thought my ex was the strong and mentally stable one. But I guess one truly discovers who they are, and who others are when times get tough. It's the true test of what we are really made of.
I am mad and feel like I financially lose in my situation, but i wouldn't want to be my ex and I wouldn't want to switch places with him, because I don't like who he is deep down. He showed me. He is disloyal, and weak and empty.
On the other hand, one of the things I try to teach my son is that we all make mistakes in life and it's how we acknowledge and address our mistakes that counts. I think that the only way piecing can work is when the WAS is really remorseful and fully acknowledging and addressing their mistakes.
It must be scary though to forgive and trust again. Especially when reading many of the stories on this board. I have heard that piecing is the most difficult part. I do know there are long term success stories after infidelity and wish you the best.
Would like to hear more thoughts on the topic you brought up.
Personally in my situation, I think my ex was someone that could not handle discomfort. This sounds really silly... but he was the type that would take his car 2 blocks so he wouldn't have to walk to the store, needed constant air conditioning, would pick up a slice of pizza even though we had reservations to a restaurant because he didn't want to be hungry for 30 minutes, drove aggressively to not have to wait. These are all trivial but looking back they say a lot to me. He couldnt handle life or people when it wasn't comfortable or indulging.
Hi Coly, how are you? I have not been very good about posting lately. I don't think H wanting to go to MC is related to anything in particular, other than him wanting to stay on a positive path. Mostly he thinks we don't know how to communicate (listen and understand each other) and he feels we have a lot to work on. Sometimes I don't even know what that means. How do you even "work" on a relationship? It's almost so simple it's complicated!
JujuB, you bring up some great points. I agree that sometimes what makes a person seem "strong" is actually avoidance and an inability to accept or handle hardships in life. I am no psychologist, but I imagine that stems from a person's childhood, trauma, and not feeling safe or allowed to feel/express their emotions. I can see how this could have been the case in H's family. He was raised to be "a good boy" and to be kind and respectful of women. There was a lot of shame around anything that was traditionally masculine. He learned at a young age to stuff his feelings and make other people happy.
Thank you for what you said. I want to believe that this can work and like you, I have heard that there are many success stories. I just don't know people personally that have dealt with it to this extreme. I don't know if I am afraid to trust him and in a strange way, I do. I trust him in the sense that he would not repeat an A or even leave me. What I don't trust is that I will ever feel as close to him as I did before and that makes me sad. I miss the intimacy that we shared.
On the flip side, maybe I don't need to feel that way. With my strong attachment, also came codependency, insecurity, and some loss of self. We were too interconnected, and it was as if I needed him to really feel happy. I can honestly say I don't need him or any man to feel happy anymore. I find more joy in my other Rs and in being alone than I used to. I could to do the same things, but without this level of independence and confidence. So as hard as things have been in the last few years, I can see a lot of positive that has come from it.
One thing that helps me move forward is finding the silver linings in this crazy sitch and believing that it happened for a reason. You know, I just realized that I started posting here 1 year ago today. So much has changed since then. I think we all need to remember to stop for a moment and give ourselves credit from time to time. Things do and will always change. We have to remind ourselves it will get better.
- 4 years ago, life started getting unmanageable in our family and M. Several hardships and challenges. - 3 years ago was right before BD. Everything blew up and my life was crumbling rapidly. I found this site and reading here--it was a life savor. I could barely eat, sleep, function, etc, and I was the worst DBer in history :-) - 2 years ago something changed--I finally let go of H, he left OW--and H did a rather quick turn around and we started piecing soon thereafter. - 1 year ago I made a username and started posting. I still struggled to move forward in a straight line and doubts haunted me often.
Today I feel much more hopeful and at peace with where things stand. I feel that this M can work and be something better one day. I also know that I will be okay if we don't stay together. Life takes unexpected turns.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
As Retrouvaille gets closer, I find myself questioning everything, even asking myself if I should go. I don't know why or what at the moment. I'm not afraid of it. I'm not even angry right now. I barely feel sadness and when I do it passes. I just feel sort of empty, like nothing. Sometimes I even miss the hurt and anger because it's safe. It's powerful. This is unknown and uncomfortable. Maybe I'm defeated and it's time to surrender. I don't know...
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
As Retrouvaille gets closer, I find myself questioning everything, even asking myself if I should go. I don't know why or what at the moment. I'm not afraid of it. I'm not even angry right now. I barely feel sadness and when I do it passes. I just feel sort of empty, like nothing. Sometimes I even miss the hurt and anger because it's safe. It's powerful. This is unknown and uncomfortable. Maybe I'm defeated and it's time to surrender. I don't know...
Blu,
Go to Retrouvaille with an open heart to see what shakes out from the weekend. You will explore areas of emotion that are profound. I think you will find it to put things in a different perspective for you. At the very least, you can say that you turned that stone.
Wishing you all the best.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
This is so utterly profound "Sometimes I even miss the hurt and anger because it's safe. It's powerful. This is unknown and uncomfortable."
Remember Gertrude Stein's words, "“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.”
Yes, pain is real and visceral and understandable. Numbness and nothingness are just a void. What can you do to transform that void into something real?
Thank you, LITB. I appreciate it. Just numb at the moment. Not even sure why.
I think its protective b/c you fear opening a can of worms and having to go dig up the stuff you hoped was buried and rotting away somewhere into nothingness. You are guarding and girding yourself...
I'm on my way to a divorce related "crap" event in CA, and I'm weirdly calm, b/c frankly, it helps me to not backslide from my detachment. I think it's protective.
Retrovaille was a surprise to me in that it was subtle, semi private, and yet very helpful.
Go with an open mind and don't fret about your protective mode coming on, as long as you are able, at some point, to let yourself look at whatever needs looking at.
Especially stuff that you were able to avoid looking at in you, since the A took so much head/heart space. I'm not thinking of anything particular about you personally, Blu, I hope you know.
I'm just saying it happens often here, with an LBSer coming here b/c their spouse wants out, and they begin taking inventory of their marital flaws when they discover an A and suddenly it's ALL about the A
and well, you know the rest...
I say Trust the Process. We are all rooting for you.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
