It's me again

[DonH]

I've been holding back here for a while on all of this - well a few months I guess. That's in part because it was clear that this train was going full steam ahead and nothing I nor others might say was going to change that. It's also because I'd be posting more what's right for me than anything else and I fully admit I'm not good at this stuff. I figured I'd just see what happens, all the while hoping for the very best but bracing for something not so good.

G you know I think a lot of you - as much as I can without meeting someone. I just think you have a way of getting off to the races really fast. That seems to be what happened with the guy from a year ago - a guy who until recently you thought was pretty great but just coukd not commit. Only now you have been Saying how he was never the one and never committed to you. You saw what you wanted to see with him.

I also held back because I seemed to be the odd one out here with everyone else posting cheers and setting wedding plans. Really gang? We had wedding plans after only weeks? I'm not sure we did G any favors saying those things. We all wanted the best and sort of encouraged this freight train to keep barreling down the tracks to fantasy land.

What really caught my eye was your comment about getting your D so invested. Wow, and then some. I said that about the last guy but it was brushed off. I said again with this guy but then your C said it would be okay. I'm not sure I agree with her and I know others do not. Heck many couples even seem to write it in their D papers not to bring in a third party so soon. That said I can't for one minute believe if you had asked your C "would it be okay if D sees him several times a week, wants to send him photos she won't send her dad, sees him sleeping over and asks about him all the time, your C would have said, oh sure, no problem. You know how bad you will feel if this doesn't work out - well imagine for a 9 year old what that will be like. She has no control over this. What's more kids have a way of thinking it's their fault. Never saddle kids with adult items and never involve them in things they have no control over. If it all works out, it will be fine. I just think the risk is too big and I think you do now as well - now that it's too late. Please, if nothing else, please don't let this happen again. She can be Involved with him now and then but he's not ready to be a stepdad. Not ready to play family yet, that's clear and she does not understand.

I really needed to say that and I really think you need to hear it. If there is anything about this that's at risk it's D.

Now in the bigger picture, just as others have said, it's only been a couple months. That's nothing! Yet you have him moving in? He's not there yet. He may be an awesome guy. This may all still work but look at it from his side of things. He's a young guy, never married, you may be one of his first serious Rs. That's a lot for him to take in. You are awesome G and so is your D but. Think of the view from a mom and dad. They often hope their son meets this wonderful young girl who they can start a family, etc. most parents don't think, I hope he finds someone 8 years older than he is, married before, with a 9 yar old D. Instant family. Right or wrong, some moms and dads would be throwing up pretty big caution flags to their child. They have not even met you yet. Once they do they will see what a great person you are. U til they do, then you are this older Divorced woman with a kid try g to snag their baby. I know that sounds bad but as you pointed out to me, until a woman gets to know me I'm a drug addict with a criminal conviction. It is why it is. I'm not saying he's embarrassed of you - that may not be the case at all but he might be walking a bit of a tight rope with family.

I really think you need to slow way way down here. More for you and D than anything but as much for FF. You already are saying he's more all in than most. Give him time to come to you. You can't chase him and corner him, which is how it may start to feel to him. I know I'd have been scared off by now - but that's me. If you were a year in, or maybe even six months in, I'd say the way you are feeling and what you are wanting is reasonable. But this soon? He SHOULD NOT be moving in with you or any woman. Does he still live with mom and dad? If so this boy needs to get out on his own, not go from mom and dad to an R with a woman in the same house. Look how we talk here about people who do that.

Okay I've said enough negative stuff now for the positive... This may be exactly what is needed. Pumping the brakes here may actually save this with this guy. If you want him for the long term you have to slow down. Let him fall in love with you - don't force it. If it's meant to be, it will. If you are in this same spot in a year it's a totally different ballgame but for the next months, actually now through Christmas, just let it happen. Keep doing things with friends. Get to know him on a slow, steady rate. I'd even consider, very strongly consider, backing off the contact with D to once a week - twice max. And stop the sleep overs when D is home! Your D is going to start dating in 5 years and want to do the same and then say, well mom did it! The six month rule that many experts suggest for children meeting significant others is a rule for a very good reason.

The other positive is it appears this guy is being honest with you. That's huge! Don't punish him for being honest. Reward that honest even if it's not what you want to hear. The last thing you want him doing is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. I'm encouraged this will work out just as it should if you will let it. And I'll tell you this, you have huge guts and should be proud of yourself G. You are all in despite baggage that might have others, including myself afraid to try. Everything happens for a reason - including this past week!