It's me again

[cat04]

Hey G...

Wow I haven't ventured over here in a long time, but something made me decide to take a look.

I have two thoughts, but I am only gonna address one right now...

Old R patterns, feeling like your feelings are unjustified...

You know what happened in my life, unbelievably 5 months ago now...

My world came crashing down around me. I can't even describe the horror of the entire situation and to be honest, only someone who has been through it, can ever really understand.

Long story short, while all of that was happening...the man and I had some issues. He was home, keeping things running and going through similar fears and feelings that I was, but he wasn't there, facing it every day. He wasn't there, looking at doctors, nurses, tubes, ventilators and the like. I couldn't even fathom that he understood at all what I was experiencing. Not that I thought he was having a party or anything, just not going through the same stuff. And he had feelings about it. He wanted to be there but couldn't. He wanted me home or at least an idea of when I would be home. I couldn't provide that information. I couldn't and the situation became more and more frustrating for both of us as time passed.

Bottom line, we both made the other feel like the other's feelings didn't matter. We both tried to push the other to see our point of view. To understand. Things were said, not nice stuff, and it could have been the end of something that has been wonderful for many many years now.

All these months later, after 5 weeks of ICU hell, and many more weeks of still living with fear of what was still to come and what the future was to hold, I don't know if either of us really understands the other's position, not entirely. I think we have a better grip on it, I think we have moved past all of that and are back to being more like the partners we used to be than the adversaries we became during that time.

Sometimes, you just have to accept that your feelings are valid, just as his are valid and move forward.

I am not talking about sweeping things under the rug.

I mean really just moving past it.

Knowing what hill you want to die on is sometimes more important to the relationship than being right and pushing.

Schidt happens, KWIM?

[25yearsmlc]

So, it turns out he isn't ready for that. He told me it will happen when its time.

I'm sitting on that.

I think a part of me is regretting getting D9 so deeply involved when he isn't even ready for me to spend time with his family.

But that's on me. That was my choice and I have to deal with it.

Ginger,

maybe it's b/c I'm new to single hood and I was married so long

To me, 2 months is soooo short, it's a blink. It's like 8 Saturdays...

I am almost ready to date for fun, but not "for real". Too much inner healing, etc.

Anyhow I would date a guy for much longer before I'd bring him to a holiday (but then, that's also MY family he'd have to face....)

Point is, couldn't you have just been going too fast, like your T said?

What's wrong with backing off and not judging this guy too much?

sweetie, I know he's the first guy to really matter, and that's huge.

But I am not sure why he owes you an apology.

Sorry! And hang in there.

[25yearsmlc]

I *THINK* I would date a lot longer before I'd invite a new guy to any holidays with my family

it's inhibiting to family members to have to deal with a new person in our lives, and there are also a few wackos in my family I may not want the new person to meet...

[Ginger1]

Cat,my friend. I am glad you happened to venture by .

Thank you for that post. And that very personal post. I know what you went through was every mothers nightmare and something you cannot fathom unless you walk through it.

You said that and that's kind of what what made me so upset today with him. He said something that hurt me immensely. A place that is the worst place to go for me. He had criticized my parenting. Probably my biggest fear in dating an letting someone in again. Go ahead and tell me I'm ugly or even go ahead and cheat on me. But this is what I was afraid of.

He did not do it from a bad place, he did it from an open and honest place. But it's unfortunately twisted my feelings towards him right now.

He has lived with a woman and her child before. But he has never ever lived through what I did. I am doing the best with what I have. I am not perfect. My child is stubborn, can be disrespectful to me and is spoiled. I know this. I have been raising her alone without support (my best support being here, actually) no mom to turn to for help, no husband, no siblings. I have made lots of mistakes. I continue to make mistakes. But he has not walked in my shoes. And I take great pride in what I have accomplished. I take pride in not taking my own life when I wanted to die after being abandoned in the worst way. he will never understand. If I can take pride in anything, it's raising my daughter under the circumstances in which I did.

Now, he is right about some of the things he said. I know he is. I need to follow through more with my punishments. It's not even her behavior he was criticizing. It was how I handle it.

I am trying to process these feelings right now. But if I had to look at him right now, I would probably have difficulty.

It is my fault for letting him into our lives so early. I took a risk. I felt in my gut this wasn't a mistake, but I may have been wrong. It's my fault for letting it going as fast as it did. It felt right for once.

Hills I am not willing to die on: the holiday meet the parents thing. I understood this to a point. I had a hard time with it because this is what he chose to pull back on when he was going full speed ahead.

Hill I am willing to die on: respect for what I've gone through and conquered. He doesn't need to understand, he just needs to respect it.

That all being said, I heard what he has to say and he was right about some of it. He offered support to help me. he doesn't want to go anywhere. We were fighting today beacasue he thinks I am pissy for no reason and just taking it out on him. I explained how I am glad he spoke to me and communicated but it was a lot to digest and some hurt.

As far as him and D9 goes, I suggested maybe we need to take time away from spending it with her around. He doesn't want that but respects it if I do. Just the other night, I was grilling, we were teaching her how to ride her bike and they were playing a serious game of hop scotch and I really couldn't have felt more contented.

We have been ok since, but I don't know how I am feeling about him. I have a pit in my stomach. He has been actually having lots of fires today. he always lets me know when he goes and when he gets back. He just texted me to say he was starving and he was going to eat, but he wanted to let me know he was back safe.

He seems to want to make this work. Most back out pretty fast. he seems to want to stick it out. Most run out on me.

All I know is I just know what I am doing half of the time. You can sit there and say "this is how I'm going to have an R,I'm going to take it at x pace, I'm not introducing kids until x time" but it doesn't seem to turn out that way. On paper I could perfectly figure out. I continue to envy those who get to be married to the parents of their children. I envy those who have the knight in shining honor swoop down on the single mother and her child. You read it, but I guess I never really believed it.

If this doesn't work, I am seriously done until she is out of the house. I cannot keep going through this. We can't.

Cat, you and your man have a very deep understanding of eachother. I know it was so hard with you being where you needed to be. But I also never doubted no matter hard it got, you would make it through. You both respect eachothers feelings. I think it's a must.

[DonH]

I've been holding back here for a while on all of this - well a few months I guess. That's in part because it was clear that this train was going full steam ahead and nothing I nor others might say was going to change that. It's also because I'd be posting more what's right for me than anything else and I fully admit I'm not good at this stuff. I figured I'd just see what happens, all the while hoping for the very best but bracing for something not so good.

G you know I think a lot of you - as much as I can without meeting someone. I just think you have a way of getting off to the races really fast. That seems to be what happened with the guy from a year ago - a guy who until recently you thought was pretty great but just coukd not commit. Only now you have been Saying how he was never the one and never committed to you. You saw what you wanted to see with him.

I also held back because I seemed to be the odd one out here with everyone else posting cheers and setting wedding plans. Really gang? We had wedding plans after only weeks? I'm not sure we did G any favors saying those things. We all wanted the best and sort of encouraged this freight train to keep barreling down the tracks to fantasy land.

What really caught my eye was your comment about getting your D so invested. Wow, and then some. I said that about the last guy but it was brushed off. I said again with this guy but then your C said it would be okay. I'm not sure I agree with her and I know others do not. Heck many couples even seem to write it in their D papers not to bring in a third party so soon. That said I can't for one minute believe if you had asked your C "would it be okay if D sees him several times a week, wants to send him photos she won't send her dad, sees him sleeping over and asks about him all the time, your C would have said, oh sure, no problem. You know how bad you will feel if this doesn't work out - well imagine for a 9 year old what that will be like. She has no control over this. What's more kids have a way of thinking it's their fault. Never saddle kids with adult items and never involve them in things they have no control over. If it all works out, it will be fine. I just think the risk is too big and I think you do now as well - now that it's too late. Please, if nothing else, please don't let this happen again. She can be Involved with him now and then but he's not ready to be a stepdad. Not ready to play family yet, that's clear and she does not understand.

I really needed to say that and I really think you need to hear it. If there is anything about this that's at risk it's D.

Now in the bigger picture, just as others have said, it's only been a couple months. That's nothing! Yet you have him moving in? He's not there yet. He may be an awesome guy. This may all still work but look at it from his side of things. He's a young guy, never married, you may be one of his first serious Rs. That's a lot for him to take in. You are awesome G and so is your D but. Think of the view from a mom and dad. They often hope their son meets this wonderful young girl who they can start a family, etc. most parents don't think, I hope he finds someone 8 years older than he is, married before, with a 9 yar old D. Instant family. Right or wrong, some moms and dads would be throwing up pretty big caution flags to their child. They have not even met you yet. Once they do they will see what a great person you are. U til they do, then you are this older Divorced woman with a kid try g to snag their baby. I know that sounds bad but as you pointed out to me, until a woman gets to know me I'm a drug addict with a criminal conviction. It is why it is. I'm not saying he's embarrassed of you - that may not be the case at all but he might be walking a bit of a tight rope with family.

I really think you need to slow way way down here. More for you and D than anything but as much for FF. You already are saying he's more all in than most. Give him time to come to you. You can't chase him and corner him, which is how it may start to feel to him. I know I'd have been scared off by now - but that's me. If you were a year in, or maybe even six months in, I'd say the way you are feeling and what you are wanting is reasonable. But this soon? He SHOULD NOT be moving in with you or any woman. Does he still live with mom and dad? If so this boy needs to get out on his own, not go from mom and dad to an R with a woman in the same house. Look how we talk here about people who do that.

Okay I've said enough negative stuff now for the positive... This may be exactly what is needed. Pumping the brakes here may actually save this with this guy. If you want him for the long term you have to slow down. Let him fall in love with you - don't force it. If it's meant to be, it will. If you are in this same spot in a year it's a totally different ballgame but for the next months, actually now through Christmas, just let it happen. Keep doing things with friends. Get to know him on a slow, steady rate. I'd even consider, very strongly consider, backing off the contact with D to once a week - twice max. And stop the sleep overs when D is home! Your D is going to start dating in 5 years and want to do the same and then say, well mom did it! The six month rule that many experts suggest for children meeting significant others is a rule for a very good reason.

The other positive is it appears this guy is being honest with you. That's huge! Don't punish him for being honest. Reward that honest even if it's not what you want to hear. The last thing you want him doing is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. I'm encouraged this will work out just as it should if you will let it. And I'll tell you this, you have huge guts and should be proud of yourself G. You are all in despite baggage that might have others, including myself afraid to try. Everything happens for a reason - including this past week!

[Ginger1]

Hi Don, long time no see.

Thanks for the feedback and your perspective. I do agree with some, but not all.

Everything I have chosen to do thus far regarding D9 has been run my therapist. I am brutally honest with her. She did not see any harm. I don't think sleeping over one night a week is a big deal at all. I am the adult and she is the child and I am not afraid of her seeing me having my boyfriend sleep over and think she can do the same. If I had a new guy every night, then I would be setting a bad example. Should I have gotten her involved so early? No. But I do have a serious problem cultivating a relationship being as if I have her most of my time. I do know that if this doesn't work out, I am truly done until she is out of the house. The loss will hurt yes. For both of us. I discussed this with my therapist who said she will see real life that love does hurt and as long as it doesn't keep happening, she will not be damaged, otherwise it's a lesson in loving and letting go.

My difference in this R..... I let him come to me. I don't chase. I don't force anything. We have been fortunate to have everything come naturally and in it's own time. I tried to make what doesn't work with others, I am guilty of that. But I am not doing it here. We really do mesh well. We have gotten past our first disagreement. He called me before bed last night. he was in the FH and had 3 separate calls when I was on the phone, but always called me back.

How fast are we taking? I don't know what the hard and fast rule is. We see eachother a few days a week. Have actual dates on the weekend if I don't have D9. he really only sleeps over when I am without her. Actually I think he stays every other weekend for one night when she is around. Sometimes he comes by for dinner. Others he will just come buy to hang out for an hour or two after D9 goes to bed. We talk or watch some TV, then he goes home.

I am not having him move in with me. I hope in the future that does happen if everything works out.

Does he not want to introduce me to parents because I am an older single mom? I don't think so. His last girlfriend was an even older single mom than me. I asked early on about how his parents felt about that. He said they didn't have a problem. Who knows. He could just not be ready. I got my dad off my back today because he just wants to meet him so badly. I told him the truth that he isn't quite ready for me to meet his and I am not going to have you meet him until he is ready for me to meet his. he panicked (apparently his happiness is hinging on my R with FF, that's another story, lol).

I appreciate his honestly and open communication. I really do. I thanked him for it rather than punished him. We do communicate well. I plan to continue to.

I hope this works out, but if it doesn't it doesn't. I am not going to force it. For once it needs to be mutual.

Ohhhh, as for ex NG- If he wasn't so incapable of commitment and not in a MLC, I could not say he wouldn't have been the one. he didn't treat me the way I needed to be for a long lasting R. And I couldn't force that. But he did actually mean very much to me.

For now, I'm just going with the flow.I still spend time with friends (although me and my BFF aren't talking) and I make plans independently of him. So, we are not all enmeshed in eachother. We have our lives apart and together.

[doodler]

(although me and my BFF aren't talking)

Ginger,

Now you've done it; doodler's ears are burning.

[Sotto]

Hi Ginger, sorry things have been a little up and down with your new chap. In many ways I agree with Don - the R is new - and I think it did set off at rather a brisk trot..I can't recall the comments at the time, but recall feeling it was all a little fast.

It sounds as though you built up an expectation that a special occasion holiday would be spent together and that you would meet his folks soon. He seems to like you, but I think it is fair enough to get to know each other for a good while before you move things on in that way too. I can see someone may want to be in a R for a good while before introducing a SO to their family, and I think that's fine.

Also, I agree that it's no bad thing to be cautious about having a new boy/girlfriend around your kids..

As for these recent developments, I wouldn't over-react, but you may want to regulate your own expectations, respect that the family intro etc. didn't feel right to him right now, and keep moving forward.

I think things went pretty 'fast forward' into 'we're a family' territory and maybe backing up a little is no bad thing. He sounds like a nice guy and also it's early days..

JMHO of course, and I hope the feedback is helpful..

[Cadet]

(although me and my BFF aren't talking)

Ginger,

Now you've done it; doodler's ears are burning.

I probably know more than I maybe should reveal but why am I not surprised that you and her are not talking?
She has her own deep seated issues and you are well aware of them.
Maybe it is all for the best.

Time will tell.

[JRuss]

Do you need to make it a hard and fast rule that, if this R doesn't work out, that you are done with all relationships for the next (minimum) nine years? I worry that that puts a lot of pressure on you, him and the R, and that unhealthy dynamics might develop. If I were in a R that, if it ended, would be my last opportunity for [insert all of the good things Rs can bring] a multi-year period, I'd probably start to push when I shouldn't, my partner would pull when I did that, and we'd be into some pretty unhealthy stuff pretty quickly.