Has it really been almost a year? I do feel bad about not posting most. I know I always wanted to. I think what happens with so many of us who start out posting here is we are just searching for a lifeline. Just searching for someone to tell us that 1 - we're not alone and 2 - that we're going to be okay. And to us "okay" means that everything is just going to magically right itself, just like how one day everything magically went wrong. We don't say that here, because we know someone is just going to come along and pop that bubble, but that's really what we mean, isn't it?
What we just never realize in the beginning is that when we come into this we think that the okay means that everything will just go back to how we believed our marriages actually were. And maybe we share a bit of that MLC delusion, and as much as we don't want to believe it, our marriage simply isn't there. It's as made up as the MLCer's belief that we're the most horrible people in the world and our marriages were awful. We don't want to think that we could be a bit delusional too. I didn't want to think I was delusional. I still don't want to believe that.
Everything I did came down to, if I just want it bad enough, if I just work hard enough, if I just do and say everything right, I can fix this. And even though I'm thinking "I give him space to fix himself while I work on myself too," the real underlying belief that I kept deep in my heart is "I can fix this, because I'm doing THIS, which then allows THAT." Even just leaving everything alone and just focusing on me, beneath all that is the thought that I am doing this, because this is what needs to be done in order for him to wake up out of his crisis. If I can just fake what I'm supposed to do for long enough, we're going to make it.
I don't know if you can change your mindset on any of that. Maybe that too is part of the process. Going through this will change you. It will change everything about you. They'll say that to you, but you can't know what that means until you're actually there. And just like the MLCer, maybe some of us never wake up either. Some of us never really truly do the work on ourselves. Just like the MLCer, we don't want to believe that there is anything wrong with us that needs fixing. Maybe if we realized we're broken too, maybe it would be easier to focus on ourselves and fix ourselves.
I did a search for my name on the forum. What I found was those who were saying exactly what I was feeling when I came to the forum. I wanted to see those success stories. I wanted to know it would all be made right. And I didn't want to hear that things didn't work out. I didn't want to get to the end of someone's story and hear that he left again. Yes people had been through it, divorced, and are happy, but surely not as happy as those who reconciled their marriage, so I believed. That's why we are on this forum. We're here to win back our marriage. There is only one destination that ends in true happiness, right?
I will tell you this, I feel I did work on myself, maybe not always for the right reasons, but I really feel I did work on me. I am a completely different person than I was 5 years ago. I don't think the same way; I don't believe the same things. Everything that I was told to believe my whole life, I have questioned. I've left so much of it behind. And, it's great. It's amazing to live life this way. I feel I have a genuine concern and compassion for people that I never had before. I did, on some level, but not this level. I'm mindful. I'm at peace. There are things that were so important to me then, that have no place in my life anymore. I'm loving my journey. My life is no longer about destinations and timelines and if I can just get through this phase, or this crisis, or this diversion, then I can be happy. I'm happy now. This is better than any fairytale marriage I believed I had. This happiness is a part of me, and not reliant upon anyone else.
What I wish I could have been able to understand then is that the happiness I was looking for was not in the reconciliation of my marriage. The whole time, that was my golden ticket. That goal of a healthy, perfect marriage that I believed I once had. I can tell you, that's not where the happiness is. You won't believe me though. I wouldn't have believed it either.
I wish it was possible for you to know that how it ends isn't what matters. It's will be okay if they never come home. Stop thinking about it, worrying about it, hoping for it. Enjoy today. I feel like I wasted so many years of my life during all of this, just worrying and hoping and thinking about how it's going to end. Don't do that. Step away from it and find the joy in your journey right now. Because this truly is a gift. You'll keep hearing that, and you'll just think I'm crazy for saying it, but I promise you, it's true. You're really going to like the person that you become on the other side of all of this. That's who you are saving. When you wake up from this life transition, you're going to realize that what you really want, what makes you happy, is not the same thing you're hoping for right now. And that's a really good thing.
I need to tell you what has been going on for the last year, but I think really what you want to know is where it ends, at least where it ends today. H has been in weekly therapy for about 7 months now. He is working through his past. He's working on him. He's quite amazing, talented, intelligent and insightful. I'm so proud of him and admire him so much. He is the greatest dad. He adores me. He's interested in me. He's concerned about what's going on in my life. He's working on being happy. That's a daily thing for him. Probably an hourly thing. I'm working on me too. I'm working on being happy. And I realize now, that never ends. This working on yourself, don't let that ever end. I'm better now than I was then, but tomorrow I'm working on becoming even better.
He's been back home for four months now. We're together. I don't question it. I don't wonder if that's going to change. It could. There isn't a pattern to this. There isn't a step by step guide the fits my situation, that fits his MLC. All I know is I like where we are heading now. I'm happy to be in moment of my life, no matter where it takes me. I love him. Every day I love him.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
