Here Again part 4

[T384]

Hi 25,

I get it about needing to stop prodding with the pregnancy. I guess part of me wants to know before this baby comes if it's possible. Last night I got up in the middle of the night, well multiple times - the joy of the end of pregnancy, and I could have looked at the phone but I honestly didn't even have the desire to. The last couple days, with the exception of looking at the phone Saturday morning, I've semi tabled the OW investigation IRL. Yes, I do post about it here because it is very relevant to my feelings I'm posting here. Yes, I am still very concerned about it but like my mom continues to tell me I haven't found anything in everything I looked at. The only thing I have found is that he has called her twice and deleted the calls out of his log and both calls are at lunch time which makes me think they are meeting for lunch and then that she's at the top of his FB messenger list.

You're right about that there's nothing he could do that could make me believe him. That's why I haven't asked since last week because I finally realized that no matter what his answer is I don't trust him. I know that the reason I feel this way is because I have caught him in lies since BD, so it's hard to know what is the truth and what isn't. He lied about buying the motorcycle to my face multiple times until I told him I had received the bank statement in the mail. Then he still, to this day, has proceeded to lie about the day he bought it. I have not told him I know that he's lying because, really, whats the point? He did buy it on a Sunday - a Sunday he told me he was at work -- another lie.


Okay, so to clarify on how this all started. H and I spent time in December talking about how much support I would need from him in January-February because of school. I was doing 60 hours a week between work and school and still had hyperemesis (this pregnancy has only been good since 30 weeks when I stopped throwing up).

Anyway, on Valentines Day I found out on FB he brought flowers to a girl my age at work. Mind you, I don't know anyone at work besides his boss and regional manager whom I have only met at the Christmas parties. They have had a large turn over lately and I don't know anyone else. i have never been to his work. He commutes, as do I, and he works about an hour away. We talk throughout the day if we need to but we both have always been the type to not bother the other while at work. Anyway, I see this post on FB that this girl tagged H in saying how thoughtful of John *name change* with a bunch of smiley faces. This immediately peaks my interest - first I don't know this girl, second my H never told me he was close enough to bring anyone flowers, third why is this girl needing to post how thoughtful my H is on Valentines. So i asked my dad and my mom their opinion on the situation. Both said it was inappropriate, especially given his past. So a couple days later I bring it up to H. No argument, I just said hey H i saw on FB you brought red roses to a girl at work I don't know, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't like that a girl I don't know feels the need to post about getting flowers from my husband. He got angry and said so I guess I can't do anythign nice and and for your information I bought them for the entire office. I said well in the future if you would just tell me or give me a heads up or something so I'm not finding out because of some girl on social media. He just said he will never do anything nice for anyone anymore.

Fast forward a week, he starts working out every night (hasn't worked out in years). He buys these expensive protein/meal replacement shakes. We also haven't been intimate and he isn't affectionate with me. He stops coming in the room at night where we normally watch a show or a movie before bed and ends up on the couch and is usually always on his phone when I walk out there. Mind you this all may be nothing but in my mind I'm starting to see a pattern of things that are all changing. So the first week of March I decide I will try to initiate sex with him since he hadn't in a few weeks. That's when I find out he shaved himself and I lost it. I asked him what was going on and told him we needed to talk. So, the next night we had a talk where I voiced all my concerns and he basically told me he was unhappy. I told him how all the things added up to me being concerned and his behavior reminding me of last time. This is the first time I've brought up the past since we went to counseling together a couple years ago. I told him I have never questioned him because his behavior didn't warrant it until now.

Yes, he has shaved himself in the past but it's been awhile. Probably a year, I said 6 months to be safe but now that I think about it it has been awhile. Then he changed his phone password, etc, etc. So yes maybe I'm being paranoid but these behaviors are not adding up. I guess my problem is instead of reassuring me he just got more defensive. Then on top of that the lying about things that are unnecessary. He stopped at a friends on the way home the other night... he made a point to tell me he came straight home. I ended up seeing his friend the other day at the store and he told me how H stopped by and it was nice to see him. I acted like I knew, and I didn't say anything to H, but really? Why lie about something so trivial? I could careless if he stopped. But if he can lie about that what else is he lying about?

So yesterday I tabled all of my feelings and had a good day. H was pretty distant toward me but totally fine with my parents. We went to lunch. I then had to go to the store and H offered to come. We had normal conversation in the car. He and my dad went to go get dinner later on last night and my dad said he was completely normal, very talkative and talking a lot about the future. My dad has really been making an effort to be normal toward H at my request. I really feel it has helped H feel more comfortable.

Anyway, last night was more of the same, him on the couch me in my room. I went to bed without either of us saying goodnight. He came in the room around 11 and gave me a kiss goodnight and told me he loved me. I reciprocated and went to bed. I work tomorrow and Wednesday and then I'm done with work! I probably will stay over at my mom's tomorrow night because I'm getting my hair done after work. Wednesday is counseling. I think I'm going to go. I'm not 100%. i haven't brought it up to H and do not plan on it. If he asks and I decide to go then we will both be there. If he doesn't ask then I will definitely go to at least get a session in before the baby.

I know that I always assume the worst. I think it is a protective mechanism to try and prepare myself for the worst. It's also that I have no other time to compare this behavior to besides last time. Last time was the first time H did this, so I compare this time to all of last time's behaviors and deceitfulness. Last time every word that came out of his mouth was a lie. I remember vividly meeting for dinner early on in BD last time and him saying he wasn't sure what he wanted and that he missed me and wanted to make things work and then getting served with D papers a few weeks later. So that's how I feel like things are going this time. Him saying he doesn't know what he wants - but deep down he's planning his escape. Just like this time how he mentioned that we would split up and stay living together.

I hope this explains a few things. I know I'm not perfect and I know me jumping to conclusions does not help but I guess I am acting out of fear and relating everything to last time.

[25yearsmlc]

I understand the context better and I hear your fears.

So, how ready is that baby of yours? Do we know what gender?

Is the nursery and or crib all set up? How are the boys about having a sibling and being "Big brothers"?

[T384]

Does the way I feel make sense? Or do you think some of most of it is pregnancy hormones? Or is it justified

The boys are so excited! We are having baby boy #3! The boys really wanted a sister but they are excited to have a baby in the house.

This baby won't have a room lol ... thats why we had bought property and were planning to start building this summer. But obviously plans have changed.

I had my appointment today and will be going in next Wednesday the 26th to be induced if I don't deliver beforehand. This baby is measuring 3 weeks ahead as of today (38 weeks) which is how far my youngest was measuring from ahead and he was 10.5lbs so I am choosing to be induced because I really would prefer not to have such a large baby.

H had told me he wouldn't be able to miss work Thursday or Friday a few weeks ago. So I just called him today let him know Wednesday was the day and that I she told me to expect to stay until Friday. So we will see what happens.

[25yearsmlc]

T0,

I'm excited for you!

Your feelings are your feelings. I do not think all of them are pregnancy hormones

(though sometimes the multiple approaches in one day and the obsessing at the smallest of gestures, seem a TAD fast & emotional to me...??)

And yes he behaved inappropriately.

(My take is that your h knows he did, too).

I'm just saying that for now, to ME, your health and steadiness are the single most important things.

Nothing else matters as much for now imho.

Keep posting if it helps you (sometimes posting here a lot can keep us obsessing instead of releasing)

and Be at peace, T0.

((( T0 )))

[Vanilla]

It makes sense to me

V

[T384]

Thank you both.

Nothing new to report here. Getting my hair done tonight and tomorrow is my last day at work! H slept in the room again and kissed me goodnight. We haven't had R talk since last Wednesday. I've kept my distance but I have been polite and not overly outgoing.

Still undecided about tomorrow... I'm sure if I go I'll end up asking about OW to some extent and discussing my feelings and I'm not sure he is in a place to hear that.

Any advice? Do I need to just be quiet if I go?

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you both.

Nothing new to report here. Getting my hair done tonight and tomorrow is my last day at work! H slept in the room again and kissed me goodnight. We haven't had R talk since last Wednesday. I've kept my distance but I have been polite and not overly outgoing.

Good. How do YOU feel about this^^? A bit less stressed?

Still undecided about tomorrow... I'm sure if I go I'll end up asking about OW to some extent

ugh!

Must you go with him? I thought you had the option of going alone!

so why go with him when you KNOW you'll engage in an R talk that neither of you is ready for when you have a baby coming next week?

T0, Step back for 2 minutes and look at that^^^...be objective. What would you tell someone who is in your shoes?

and discussing my feelings and I'm not sure he is in a place to hear that.

Oh, you're not sure he's in a place to hear that? Well I am.

I'm sure he's NOT in a place to hear it...

just saying...

Any advice? Do I need to just be quiet if I go?

Please, please go alone...you won't have time after the baby comes.

You need insights from the IC, not an argument or trial with your evidence and verdict. I am not defending him. I am trying to help you buy some time until after the baby comes.

As a last last resort, if it were me, I'd go and just STFU and listen to him. I worry a lot that you are not able to do that.

So maybe you can Consider it a "recon mission". You're there to Gather information so you can lessen the guessing.

if it were me, I would not give any more generic ultimatums about how you "need more/commitment" signs. They are a bit vague.
That's my .02

T0, I sure hope you go without h, so you can just hear the IC's advice. He knows you two better.

[T384]

Hey 25

The C wants us to go together ... I called him last Friday and told him I wasn't sure I should go and he's the one that's encouraged me to go. I told H last week I wasn't sure if I was going to make it and he said that I should go because the C wanted to see us both. That was my only reason for going honestly.

[Sotto]

"I'm sure if I go I'll end up asking about OW to some extent and discussing my feelings and I'm not sure he is in a place to hear that. "

Hi TO, from all that you post, you pressing him for answers about possible OW isn't going to help at all. I agree with 25, if you decide to go, do as she suggests and STFU about that. Just hear what he has to say and express your own wish to work on the marriage if that's what you want to do...

Remember - holding pattern until baby arrives right??

Xx