Just a vanilla change 34

[Vanilla]

In many ways 25 I agree with you about this journey in life.

I am reflecting deeply on these troubled times. To let the abuser into my head is relinquishing control over my personal domain. I am minded of the play A man for all seasons which has Sir Thomas More defining his personal boundary when asked to relinquish his deeply held belief. He knew his belief and held it, gave up his life for his belief, he chose to stand for his belief and gave up his life for it, I am confused about my choices.

The Giggalo breached so many of my personal boundaries, even when I enforced them. In ignorance the assumption I made, (and have kept making) is that I had no boundaries and that those I had were not enforced well enough. That is a false assumption, a cognitive dissonance if you will that was rationalised. My boundaries are fine for an ordinary life and simply weak for an extraordinary time. I still had boundaries, largely untested until the Giggalo.

Abusers choose to abuse and to press on boundaries. Abusers abuse because it gives control and they like it as it gives them power to get more resources. Even after two years and NC the Giggalo forces himself into my life by taking legal action against me. When I looked into the empty eyes of the Giggalo after his mask slipped I swear I saw evil. It was a terrifying thought and I dismissed it. It was the black hole of his addictions devoid of feeling, devoid of love. After that the Giggalo did not mask himself (masking takes much energy and he knew that I was no longer charmed) and yet I still chose to endure abuse. To face this truth is hard, it appears to condemn what is a loving husband and father. My higher power used to tell me that is not my job, I have no right to label and judge. I know what I saw that day. To validate my choices, the rationalisation says "you only know what you thought you saw". It allowed me my perspex spew shield and to defend (no matter how inadequately) weak boundaries. I still know what I saw, and it made me afraid. Afraid for my physical health, that is why the body keeps the score was so important, an invasion of mental boundaries is internal to the body. And indeed the body does keep the score.

25, I chose denial too, (I use the word choice often instead of should) and I have told myself I chose that denial, I no longer choose it. I will not be abused. That is one of the gifts of NC. I choose (current tense) to know that I was abused, I choose to know the extent of it. And I don't like it, it victimises myself for myself by the self. And yet to accept responsibility for some of it is very freeing. The abuser abuses and chooses this way of invading boundaries. The abused does not choose to be abused. The target endures it until they choose to break free of it. This choice does not stop the abuse, not for one moment. Choosing to not be abused doesnt stop the abuser abusing to feed a need. This is my way to be. I can like Thomas More know the boundary and like him I can decide that I will bend to the King's will and law as far as my conscience will allow. Henry VIII died a dreadful death of syphilis and his ulcers made his body have the stench of living rotting flesh. His private parts rotted away and he died with his bladder an open sore. Thomas More was executed his head was on traitors gate for a month before his loving daughter asked for a Christian burial and reunited his head and body. Thomas More paid a high price for keeping his boundary. He kept his sanity and he was loved.

I baulk at labelling another's actions as evil, it seems wrong somehow to do this. I am reading Scott Peck and People of the Lie, he does not blanch at saying lies are evil and indeed he says it clearly. Addiction is an evil and can be a factor which drives abuse.

I was taught from being a small child it is my Christian duty to forgive, popular psychology tells us that forgiveness is devine, that we forgive to save ourselves. Perhaps we do. Perhaps sometimes we forgive to save ourselves, perhaps Thomas More forgave the king, perhaps his daughter forgave the executioner. I still know what I saw in the sharks eye, I still saw a predator and his prey. In that moment I saw intent to harm. I believe that moment started the cPTSD, triggered the trauma and it continues.

It is not my job to forgive, at Easter (this new Easter) I realise that burden is removed from me, another more special man was crucified to save me from that task. Another atoned for me and on my behalf, released me from that obligation. It is my job to heal me, selfish as that lofty goal is. It is self centred rather than selfish. I know I released myself from that need to forgive after struggling with why I could not forgive and I deliberately researched forgiveness; some of my answer came from Forgiving or not Forgiving, the rest my Christian conscience struggled with the arrogance of forgiveness. Until my higher power said to me, be still, let me deal with the Punishing or not Punishing of the Giggalo and his Karma. I handed over responsibility to the higher power, I let it go, I let the need to punish or forgive be that of the higher power. The Giggalo already has his Karma, I saw his empty eyes and for a moment his struggling soul, one day he may win or lose his battle with addiction. That is his journey alone, I have my journey too.

I believe in evil and for a brief time it revealed itself to me. That evil is not the Giggalo himself, it is his weakness and compulsion, his gambling that takes over his life. He is consumed by his gambling addiction and that addiction is the evil. It is that addiction that I can not forgive, I know that man is consumed by addiction. The man himself is irrelevant when addiction is in play. Sir Thomas More said this much of the king and his sex addiction, the king wanted a son to be his heir, and yet his diseased loins gave issue to two powerful daughters. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The King died rotting, his body from the outside and I hope his soul was purified by the holy spirit and the Easter offering of suffering. Truly some of the King's actions made him one of the People of the Lie.

25, the image of you with the kite came to me through my higher power. For that is how I saw you. In a red coat, with big red buttons and flowing hair. The kite is blue and white with ribbon Ed tail. It is a strong image and the kite is flying high. Yesterday I went to a powerful art exhibition of the works of Constable. His beautiful pictures of the Sussex Downs and Brighton had me mesmerised. My very favourite painting was of an Elm tree, the bark on it with Moss so real that the tree was in my mind for hours. Extraordinary. The same museum had beautiful furniture from the Art Deco period. As I went around the exhibition with a like minded friend, I realised I missed this art, this way of relating to the world. It was one of my losses in my life with the Giggalo, he saw this exploration as a waste of time, then I am minded that I saw his endless golf as allowable. And yet my rambling mind of jumbled passions was not allowable. Part of the abuse was seeing my interests as unnecessary and his as essential, the other part was forcing that view on me. Ranting until I gave up my interests. And for the sake of peace and harmony, I gave them up to please. I did this to myself in the hopes of repairing my R. DB for me was putting those things back in my life.

I am angry, yes I am very angry.

V