I am feeling a little down this evening because my SIL just send a ton of pictures from her son and soon-to-be daughter-in-law's wedding shower. It looked like so much fun. I was invited, but didn't go. Partly because of the situation, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I have fears/concerns/paranoia that eventually, that side of the family will cut ties with me. If H ends up with OW, there is no way they will continue including me. I was thinking maybe it's better to cut ties now and deal with the loss than to wait and deal with it on top of all the other inevitable losses.
Perhaps I am just borrowing worry from tomorrow. I do a lot of that since BD.
Seeing the pictures make me feel sad. I feel the loss of not being apart of the family I have known for nearly 20 years.
I am also sad when I think about all the memories my S will be making with them and I won't be included. There will be an entire � of his life I won't know and won't get to experience with him. Thinking of this makes me so sad. And angry.
I probably sound like a broken record to you all because I keep bringing up my S. This is the hardest part of all this. I really do wish H would have gotten that job 400 miles away. Then I wouldn't miss so much of S's life. What gets my goat is H has told me he never wanted S. And he certainly acts like that. How can he do something like this? I want to say that I don't understand , but I do, I just don't like the answer. I wish understanding made it easier and maybe it does, but I don't realize it.
You know, in all 21 months of his life, I have never spent a night away from him. Not one. How on earth will my heart manage?
I want to tell H what he is doing and how I am feeling. But I know it will fall on deaf ears. It's all about him. It would be an exercise in frustration.
