Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Hey Surv1ve, I think you and I were posting at the same time!

Thanks so much for the visit. I agree, this isn't my H at the moment. The H I knew would be horrified if he heard someone else make those promises to D and then go back on them. He actually said to me a few weeks ago that people are always breaking promises so it's no big deal!

I do still find myself spinning without any warning sometimes. A thought will just pop into my head and then I'm off! Saying that though it has been getting better. I've been exercising a lot more but this week has been especially difficult due to work so I've only been to the gym once! Also I've seen a new yoga place open up down the road from me so I'm going to try that out and see if it helps. I did go to one yoga class at my gym a few months ago but it wasn't for me. It was taken by a very elderly lady who covered me with a blanket at one point in the class so I didn't get too cold.... :0D

[Coly23]

Happy Easter everyone!

Just a bit of journaling. I think it's been four weeks since I last saw H. I say I think because I haven't been as bothered at keeping count unlike the last time I had NC.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I was getting ready for my little sister and her H as they were coming to stay after going out for my older sisters birthday. I felt sad and angry because I wanted my H with me to help with getting ready and excited for their visit. I cried buckets whilst cleaning! In the end it turned out to be a really great day/evening. We woke up this morning, a little hungover and after a lovely breakfast we took their dog out for a walk. We then went to my parent's for Easter lunch and then back over to my older Sister's house as it is actually her birthday today. Had far too much to eat!

Then both myself and D got texts from H to say he left some Easter eggs for us in the recycling bin as we were not home. He also put some money in a card for D. WHY??!!! Why does he do these things? We are trying to let him go. He told us we will get used to him not being with us anymore so why can't he just give us the chance to get used to it. D is so mad she feels like he is trying to buy her affection and I feel so angry at him. It's almost like he wants everyone to think what a great guy he is that he still buys us stuff. We didn't ask for anything and I don't want anything from him anymore. I just want him to leave us alone to heal. Would it be wrong if I told him that?

I don't know why I feel so angry about this. Should I be grateful and thank him graciously? Neither myself or D have responded to his text because we just didn't want or expect him to give us anything. Arrgghh!!!

[Altair]

Happy Easter Coly!
I would have D thank him, briefly, and leave it at that. Take the high road...
I doubt he's trying to buy D's affection- he just doesn't know what to do. Sounds confused, etc. Well, at least he tried-- I wouldn't be angry, you know, the anger is never a good feeling. Leave him be in the oven, baking!!
As for me, I'm just slogging through, nothing to update really I don't think. Just ruminating on my future, what I want to do, where I want to live, etc. Today I spent the day alone, went for a run and a walk and ate an Easter peanut butter egg, and read all day.
hang in there Coly,

A.

[OwnIt]

Coly,

The hardest thing for me is the kids. I've mentioned to you before that I think mine uses the kids to get to me. I wondered if yours might be doing the same. Because of those thoughts and because I feel better when I don't see or hear from him, and I listen to the kids say that, but I don't believe them . . . It is so hard to remember that their relationship with the WH is completely different from ours. I agree with Altair that D should thank him and if you feel better being silent, go with that. I think the older kids need more constant reminders that they left us, not the children and that it is still their dad. They may not always feel the same as they do now. Maybe they will be better, or maybe worse. But the worst would be for our children to feel disconnected with us someday because they felt they had to make a choice.

[Sotto]

Yes, a brief pleasant thanks is the way to go with the eggs I think..

You could go for - Happy Easter too & thanks for the gifts :-)

Or if that feels like too much - just - Thank you

It isn't that his gift is offensive or antagonistic - it is your own feelings about it that are the issue and are yours to own. If a neighbour left you a little Easter gift, what would you do?

Glad you had a nice time with your family.

Xx

[Coly23]

Thanks for your comments Altair and OwnIt.

I don't know what to do really. D actually said she doesn't want to contact him so should I force her? Maybe I will just say she needs to be polite.

OwnIt, H is actually D's step Dad but he has brought her up since she was about Nine. D's bio Dad hasn't seen her since she was six/seven but he sends her Money in a card for special occasions just like H is doing now that is why I am annoyed. She doesn't need another Dad like that. I'm not sure if he is trying to 'get' to me through D. That would imply he had some emotion towards me and I don't think he has any feelings for me at all good or bad. He just seems numb.

Altair, I have really tried my best to keep my emotions on an even keel and not have any contact with him has really helped. I still have my horrible days but that's just because my mind runs away with me! I'm glad you have started to make your own plans staying still is what keeps us stuck. Are you planning on moving away from the area you are in at the moment?

Journaling - It's a holiday here un the UK so me and D are off to the city to do a bit of shopping. She is shamelessly going to spend the money H gave her! I sometimes wonder if she is actually my daughter!!

[Coly23]

Thanks Sotto, I just had that same train of thought. Maybe I should just say thanks like he is a neighbour and leave it at that.

My problem is forcing D to do the same. I am not keen on doing this as I forced her to have a relationship with her own Dad and that backfired terribly.

I'll just say 'thanks' and leave it like that. A month ago I would have been so grateful and said lots of nice things but I don't feel like that anymore....

Happy Easter Sunday!

[job]

Coly,

I'm a bit late to the show, but I would just say "thanks" and leave it at that.

I do not think he's trying to buy your daughter and her attention. He senses that you both are pulling away and he needs to let you know that he's still out there (in his own way). He needs to think he still has one small string attached to his old life and by doing so, he pops out every once in a while and does something.

He's still confused as to what he wants and until he figures it out, he'll continue to be bouncing back and forth.

Continue moving forward. You've been doing great!

[ciluzen]

Like Job, I'm a little late on this.So all I would say is this.

Take all of your feelings about H and push them aside for a minute. Did he give something? Yes. The normal response to a gift is, "thank you". Period. Questioning motives leads to overthinking and assumptions. And sometimes...expectations. None of it matters, really. He gave. You and D received. Thank you.

Kindness, kindness, kindness. Before any act, we should remember that and that should be OUR motivator regardless of what we can only assume are the motivations of others. We can only control our own actions and make our own choices, so why not choose the high road no matter what? At least we will then feel good about our actions and not look back later with an "I shoulda" or "what was I thinking". Just be kind. You either receive a good reaction (great!), bad reaction (not your problem...his), or nothing (oh, well).

[Coly23]

Dear Job and Cil, thanks so much for stopping by.

You are both right off course, I need to treat H with kindness as I would a friend who had given us a gift. I did text him to say 'thanks' and I suggested to D that she did the same which she did. I told her that we need to rise above it and not become bitter.

Job - I really don't feel like I am doing very well. I am still so hurt and angry with H and at the same time I miss him terribly. I really need to get a handle on my emotions. I just don't know where all of this is headed. I can't believe he is happier without us but I'm not him so I will never know why he feels this way.

Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and simetimes I feel stronger than steel but most of the time I feel in a state of utter confusion.