The seed beneath the bitter snows is me!

[2Times2Many]

Thank you kyh, Job, 25 and bttrfly for your good wishes.

25, I find it interesting that your used the word "orphans" in your reply. I expressed to H after the service that I felt like an orphan. Can you believe he laughed as though I was joking?

Job, I no longer get angry. Those feelings are no longer there. I actually feel pity toward H. I've accepted that he is who he is and the only one who can change him is him. What he does in his life (on a personal level) no longer affects me unless I allow it to. I admit, there are times that it does get under my skin, but I no longer feel anger, just pity.

He's done so much damage to his life, so much damage to the people who love him and care about him and it's pretty obvious to me that he has a lot of regrets but is too cowardly to step up and make the changes he needs to make. (Ironically, I told him when I found out about his PA 3 1/2 years ago that unless he got help, all the people in his life who cared for and loved him would have nothing but bad memories of him in the end.) Instead, he deludes himself into thinking/feeling that the superficial relationships and friendships he's developed over there are bringing him happiness. He had the admiration and respect of many people in his life and now he seeks the admiration and respect of others to replace what he's lost.

Over there, no one knows who he really is. All they see are the masks he wears. He brags about how many "friends" he has, his active social life, etc. But judging from how often the names of his friends change, I would venture to guess they eventually see behind his illusion and move on.

Over here, he's ostracized nearly everyone who once cared about him. My two kids liked and respected him. My grandkids adored him and still ask about him. He hasn't seen or communicated with any of them in nearly 4 years. The only exception is my son, who has asked to speak to him on the phone a couple of times when he happened to call while H was here. My son is a good kid.

Just before BD, his Dad was telling him how proud he was of H and what he'd built (the company). He hasn't seen his parents in 9 months even though they live just a few miles from here and his Mom is in poor health.

He had it all ... a successful business (which is slowly fading) and family and friends who loved and respected him. Then he blew it all to smithereens. I suppose that is the one thing I'll never understand. Who does that?

As for me, prior to Part 1, I was totally devoted to H. I suppose I did a good job for most of those years of feeding him the admiration he needed. At some point, that apparently wasn't enough and he got involved in a EA with another woman. That totally devastated me as I never saw it coming. He fell off his pedestal big time and I've never been able to put him back back up there. I suppose if after that initial betrayal he had met me half way and really put some effort into rebuilding, I might have been able to see him through those devoted eyes again and put him back on that pedestal, but he didn't. After all that has taken place in the past 4 years, I seriously doubt that would ever happen.

Sadly, I think he realizes that. He often expresses regret about what we "used to have" and that he'll never find that kind of love again. It's as though he's decided that his transgressions were of such a magnitude that they can never be atoned for so accept the consequences and move on. It isn't me who is unwilling to try ... it's him.

So, instead, he has filled his life with people who will admire him and seek out his company, I suppose to prove to himself that in spite of all he's done, he's still a worthy individual whom others value. But they only see his mask.

So, in his mind, he can't go home. There is no one left who will see him the way they used to. The idea that he could make amends either doesn't occur to him, is too difficult or too humiliating.

So that's how I see things and it's why I just don't get angry anymore. I feel so sorry for him. I do love him and part of me always will, but until or unless he decides to stop running from himself, there's nothing for me to do except let him be and live my own life.

And I don't feel like what I'm doing now is "doing nothing." I continue to do what I do ... stay married and involved in the company ... because it's in my long term financial interest to do so. So in my eyes, I am doing something. I'm navigating the stormy waters now to insure smooth sailing ahead. My IC just didn't get that concept.