Struggling with multiple challenges

[sandi2]

Please read the link about boundaries. There have been so many H's who see the example of "I will not live in an open M".....and state that to the WW, not even knowing anything else about how boundaries work.

First of all, boundaries are all about you......not her. They are not a control tool to make her do what you want. A boundary is like drawing an imaginary line around yourself. If someone dishonors your boundary, then it is up to you to take action. You are the only one to take whatever action to protect yourself.

Second, boundaries are not requests. They are not to be negotiated or up for discussion. Stating a boundary is not an introduction for a relationship talk.

You cannot tell her what to do & not do. She is free to make her own decisions. If she chooses not to honor one of your boundaries....the next move is from you.....not her. Dishonoring a spouse's boundary, IMHO, should result in some degree of unpleasantness for the offender......however, it may not always. This is not about punishing the offender, but rather you doing something that reflects the message of "I will not be subjected to disrespected. If disrespect is shown, then I will ________" (fill in the blank).

Thoughts on my boundaries?

1) I will not live in an open marriage, if there is any additional communication with OM, then we need to separate. Note: I'm leaving separate open-ended...I likely would not tell her to leave the home but separate in our house for our children's sake. Her parents live close though so that is an option and they are aware of the situation.

Instead of saying what "we need" to do, you state what you will do. For example, "I will prepare for physical separation or divorce". See the difference?

I've already commented on in-house separation. It is the biggest joke ever for a wayward spouse. Why? B/c nothing changes for her. Come on now, if you are going to make bold statements of not living in an open marriage, then you have to back it up with bold action. She would secretly laugh at you for suggesting in-house S, b/c that would be just dandy for her.
As for the kids sake, in-house S gives them the worst picture model of what m looks like......and drags on unsuccessfully. Seriously, whose sake is really for? I would stop using the kids as your reason to give her. It doesn't impress a wayward. You are giving too many reasons, like her parents living close and not knowing.

2) I will not sit at home with the children at night when you have other options regarding yoga classes, like mornings or when they are in school. I believe it is very important to be there when the children are going to bed.

Okay, not too bad, but don't turn it into a discussion. Leave off what you believe and what's important, etc. You do not have to give reasons for your personal boundaries. Besides, she doesn't want to hear a lesson in good parenting skills. It becomes less about you, and more about her. Before stating this as a boundary, do you know what you will do the first time she manipulates you into staying there at night? She will test you.

I will work with you on doing everything we can to take care of the children and making sure their needs are above ours.

This is not a boundary.

When you are away from the home and, to honor your word of transparency, I request that you stay in touch with me and the children. I do not appreciate being put in the position of making excuses when you disappear for longer than you told us.

This is not a boundary.

You don't make requests, and bringing up how you don't appreciate the position of making excuses for her......just sounds very weak.

How about something like........"I will no longer cover up your reasons for being absent".

As for the transparency, I'll talk about it next time.

Please stick with us, and please read your homework on cadet's post.