The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Thank you Job, Cali, Coly, and Bttrfly for your responses to my question.

I'm at a wierd point with the whole rope drop thing right now. I'm enrolled in my program, but don't start til mid-June. I close on my house this week and am packing (in a lazy way) up my apartment. I'm coaching soccer. I'm painting and placing my pictures. I'm finding time to hang out with my friends. I'm pretty good at concentrating right now on all of these things and living in the moment and planning out the near future events. But the universe likes to throw XH back at me as if to say, "hang on...he's still here".

I went to watch my friend's daughter play soccer yesterday. She is one of XH's assistants. She told me a funny story about running into a patient of XH, who asked if he was dating someone "special". Friend said she didn't know...he hadn't said anything. But then, apparently the patient explained that she had seen him skiing quite a few times with a woman whom he seemed to like quite a bit and they seemed to be dating...and then went on to describe me. She said he looked so happy with her. So friend showed her a picture of me on her phone and patient said, yes...that's her. When my friend said "that's his XW", patient was shocked. I explained that, yes...it always struck me as strange, too. Nice to know that its not just me that read the situation that way. We both just kind of shook our heads. She told me he says NOTHING about me...except for a few paintings, I don't exist at his office anymore (he used to speak of me often). She found that stange, but to me it makes total sense.

Later that day, D24 and boyfriend came over to have Easter lunch (day early). XH had come over to drop off some tables for a garage sale she's having. We had had a 2.5 hour phone conversation before he got there (very rare for her to communicate for very long) and told him this. He wanted to know all that was said. He then told her he should probably help me (us) move. When she explained that we both have people lined up, he still went on about how he should be there to "help mom". D24 explained that I work with a h.s. football coach and that I have a few players helping. He ignored and still insisted that she tell him when and where to be. So, I guess that will be happening. He still lingers there in the background. As I said to both D24 and my friend, he can do whatever he wants to do. He seems to be really lost and not quite sure where he belongs, what he should do, or how he should feel. Adrift, if you will; or to borrow from HaWho..."unmoored".

On a personal note, I went out to an amazing dinner at a new restaurant inside of an old factory. Fantastic! Then went to a mixed art, dance, poetry, lit reading show with our local symphony. Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" was the base performance, with other musical artists (hip hop, country, alt pop), readings, dance, performance art, and an aerialist intertwined and at times collaborating with the symphony. We were standing in an open space in the same factory as the restaurant. It was envigorating! I do love this part of my new life...I'm happy that I'm coming back into me. I grew up in the arts, and I know part of my unhappiness was that this was missing. My own fault, though! I won't let go of this for anything...life is too short.