Just a vanilla change 34

[25yearsmlc]

V


((( )))

you know Easter is resurrection and rebirth...so there's that, and seems to me at this moment that it's very relevant for both of us.

Just as I realize that things I "should" have seen

(I'm trying to avoid subjunctives should/could/would have, for now. But oh well, I'm human and thus inconsistent)

so -things I should have seen but did not.

Why did I do that?

I think I saw things that validated my choice to stay, and not that indicated I had made a huge mistake.

But it's too far to say "What if we lived our lives all wrong?" Not when we know we loved. Ilyich was is NOT YOU. He's your archetype fear, and he's one of mine.

The other would be the client I had (I was doing his will) and he shook his fist at God on his deathbed, taking his anger into eternity. He'd had a mistress for decades and mistreated his family and was simply a curmudgeon.

Fears of you turning out to be Ilyitch is a tad too far. (But I love the reference!)

Maybe read Kerry Egan's book "On Living".

It's a bookclub choice for my club.
The first 20 pages were about patients in hospitals telling the author (a chaplain) about the relationships in their lives that mattered, that they ruined or lost or cherished...

I could barely get thru that^^ b/c of my 3 children and the last 10 years, and b/c suddenly so many good memories are becoming darkly colored by so much doubt...

BUT the book went deeper into shame and guilt and the difference, and more questions.

At one point the author asks

"What if the greatest thing I think I ever did, was the worst?" (Giving up a baby at birth, for instance)

"What if the person I loved most, did not love me back?"

and so on.

It's helping me, although it's not a smooth ride. Vanilla, a lot of it will resonate with you I think. Unless you are secretly a contract killer, I cannot imagine your life being "all wrong". You're too self aware. You come here and post to others. That's a good thing my friend.

Vanilla, your sentence to me about being "on a ledge in high winds holding the kite of love"

made me cry. I can scarcely write it out here, and I cannot read it out loud without tears.

It was and is, apt.

Remember the message of the Resurrection. Your re-birth. OURS, in fact. Pretty darn important.

((( V )))