Just a vanilla change 34

[Vanilla]

I spent all night deep in thought and did not sleep.

I am angry, very very angry. Mainly at the system and the high conflict in generates in us as targets. It's Easter Sunday, a time of peace, the sun is shining. I have guests coming to Sunday Lamb Roast with all the trimmings. And I am angry at just about everything including myself. It seems strange to be angry now when it's impotence. It serves no purpose at all today. Pointless, although it marks a change. I am not afraid of this anger, I had flashes of it when my mother died. It isn't hateful at all, I can choose to direct it.

The abuser that is the Giggalo has been practicing his art since he was born and I am new born at understanding let alone countering that art. I feel vulnerable, and I know the invading forces have an impossible time conquering the natives. I have surprise on my side, it is not known that this target has defensive strategies.

I am reading a book by Leon Festinger on The Theory of Cognitive Dissonance and suddenly lots of hidden pieces of the jigsaw are falling into place. The book is a seminal book from 1957 updated in 1985 and so powerful. I haven't learned as much since I read the Van der Kolk books on trauma and the body. I feel like I want to hit myself on the head with a hammer. So many of the things I worked out for myself are written (plus more) in this amazing text book.

I recently read the Kathleen Krajeco book on her life a tribute. And that began my descent into turmoil. My goodness why would we want to be left in the position of being a target when there are so many alternatives. Why isn't this stuff well known? This wacky Internet world allows us to get to knowledge and it's sitting there on library shelves within reach all along. Written even before I was a twinkle in my father's eye.

This stuff is dangerous and creates in me confusion. In was in my search to answer a question on the abuse thread on FOO that this arose. Thinking about childhood and damage, rereading man's search for meaning for the nth time (where necessary is a biggish number). Looking at man's inhumanity to man, looking at why abusers abuse weaker more vulnerable targets. The only conclusion that I come to is because they can and they know what they are doing. They have control and because of it I see masks with empty faces. There is an advert on TV here for a show on Atlantic called Mr Robot which has a masked character with his mask burning off and empty eyes.

In October 2014 that is what I saw in the Giggalo, in his eyes when he ceased to care to even hide the nature of his game. When he said to me, V be careful. He spat on one of my jackets that I accidentally dropped.

I failed to see it as a threat, because I long ceased to drink near the Giggalo since February 2014. It's he said she said and not recorded. That and a couple of other things makes me angry. I know what has been said when the mask fell. I know what was behind the empty eyes. And it has caused trauma. And there is little that can be done about the evil in this world and it makes me angry.

So if I have upset anyone with this futility and venting on this holiest of days I apologise.

So Easter eggs to all and Simnel cake.

V