To answer what's going on and how I am, I am in a strange place, and I believe its good, but its also foreign. At my core, the core self, I am good. Like, the inner voice, that dude, that dude is not the dude who was there a year ago. Now I have this coach or this mentor deep in there. He takes coffee breaks I think and the old dude shows up for a couple days at most, but then the new one comes back and runs him off like car does a bird from carrion on the road. And those couple days have become hours.And the new dude has a pressure washer and some chlorine.
So inside, good, outside foreign. Last semester of masters school, for what I hope is for life, for now. Busy...writing and reading always. Last summer, I was easily headed for the senior drop out who takes a job in his dad's store and spends his nights at the bar talking about the big game he won for the next 20 years. Now, I just take each day, by day, by day. And that is what is foreign. I have never really lived in the present. I am now and I think its good, mostly. I'm kind of sh*t at thinking about hard future - conceptual future still exists. What would you like to accomplish in the next two years? I got that answer. Do you want to do something next weekend? I'll have to let you know when I get there.
For the now and the busy...Graduating in less than a month. I have decided to walk and be in the ceremony. Based upon my education here - M1, the Freakin Puerto Rican, others, I really had to fish around my motivation to do that. For a long time I was not sure if I wanted to or if I would just be doing it for the hard on of being recognized. But fk that, I'm getting a Master's Degree, I got that while losing my family, house, and self, then I redefined all that sh*t and took those three things back for me. So yeah, I earned this sh*t and I'm walking that stage and I'm taking that degree.
The D was filed on my birthday, but is in the courts hands and should be over soon...apparently SBXW and I threw the court system off...we had the most congenial and amicable requests the lawyers claimed they had ever seen. We apparently arrived at a mediated settlement in 20 minutes and the lawyers could not believe it, so they separated us and spoke to us, and we each gave the same answers. So the lawyers separated from us and spoke together, and realized that SBXW and I were not going to fall for the drawn out pay their asses USA standards. So they came back and the agreement was done in 45 minutes. Now since the judges put it on hold to discuss and make sure we both feel this way, we are waiting. But nothing has changed - the system is rigged, the system wants D money.
Strange, its the closest and most honest her and I have been in months. Guess my rage went somewhere else and I don't care enough to think where that somewhere is.
My boy is as awesome as he can be. I have him just about every weekend. He is sleeping now, we went to a petting zoo easter blow out today for 4 hours - bounce houses, egg hunt, pony rides, etc. Came home and played with his superhero action figures - Aquaman always dies in the fights, I got a feeling he never gets his due respect. Last weekend we watched Flash Gordon, the original I loved at his age. He loved it. By the end, we were both air guitar on the sofa as Queen rocked the Falcon army and Flash into saving every one of us. Fking awesome. He wanted to watch it again tonight, and we fking rocked it just as hard.
And to Mach1's point, the magnet exists, I feel good and really don't know what brought me here tonight - son is asleep, was working on school, took a side road. Must have needed it here....or someone reading needed me here.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
