Dealing with Devastation

[giftd]

So tonight she called again. She was on her way home from a friends wedding. She said everyone was happy and she realized that she was just mad, mad at me. She said she finally could put her feelings into words. We ended up talking for 45 minutes until she got settled in at the work apartment. It wasn't all about the relationship, anything that was was something that she brought up. I acknowledged my failings and apologized for my lack of self confidence. I said I can't change the past but I can focus on the future. Can't remember exactly how things went down but she basically said she hasn't forgiven me. It sounded like she still has some things to work through but I was able to show the progress I've made again with myself. Listening and acknowledging her feelings even when I didn't agree.

We are still having dinner on Wednesday, I'm hoping it goes well but I'm trying to have no expectations... Counseling is the day before so I'll get some help then on what to expect. Need to go over possible scenarios in my head so I can be prepared. She essentially said that she isn't a leader, she's a "companion", from an archetype book she read. Kinda comes back to the fact I got complacent with the relationship and scared after my illness, let the wrong emotions run me. Honestly my biggest change has been to "man up" a bit. Communication was neither of our strong suits, she still has things to work on, but I'm pretty proud of myself for the things I've been able to do these past 2 months.

I've never really been alone like this before, I was terrified of losing everything. I'm sure I have more growing to do, but I know the man I am now is someone she would want to be with, someone I'm happy with. It's nice to hear a real reason from her and not the hollow excuses that changed from day to day she was using before. I'm worthy of forgiveness, that's on her now.

I need to be patient.