So Confused and Conflicted (7)

[sandi2]

Sounds like the situation with my wife, unfortunately. How the heck did I last so long with her, with the way everyone here is telling me I was such an idiot?

My first thought is that she loved you very much.

For example, at the time, I saw sitting around with the husbands or her friends making small talk as a waste of time. I wanted to be at home working on my hobbies, instead, or doing something else that seemed like time better spent. Now, I don't see it that way. I don't want all my eggs in her basket. I have seen what a risk that is and all the pain that comes when she is all of a sudden gone.

I hope I won't sound unkindly when I ask if you notice any selfishness in the above quote? What about her wants? Can you try to see how she wanted & needed the two of you (as a couple) socializing with other couples? I wonder how many times she felt bored and lonely when you were ignoring her and choosing the computer or your hobbies over quality time with her? Here's the thing.........if you don't see this now, and learn from it......then you repeat the same mistakes again in whatever relationship you have.

Even by saying you don't want all your eggs in her basket, has a selfish tone, IMHO. Yes, we encourage you to GAL and mix with other male friends...........but the way you said this statement, it's like you are still thinking about your feelings. Maybe you could take a communication class........or maybe I should?

When I say "sacrifice", I mean any of kind of giving or loss on my part, from the smallest thing to the largest thing

Maybe I'm not understanding you.......but as I see this ^^^^^^^^^^, I am asking if this is not what people do in a loving relationship........giving of themselves?

I'd come home from work, I would spend all that time with her until she went to bed, around 9 or 10, and then I would stay up until about 12 or 1 doing my hobbies.

My H's hobby was watching TV. It always took priority over me, at least that's how I felt. He would not go to bed with me. When we had sex, he would immediately get back up and watch more TV. He complained about us not having enough sex. But guess what? For years I told him that I needed time with him in bed, having pillow talk or cuddling. He would say he didn't like going to bed that early (10:00). So, he usually fell asleep on the couch watching TV. I also suggested he could return to his TV, once I had a little time with him. He never "heard" what I was saying. I plainly told him many times how I needed the emotional intimacy in order to want the sex. So, how do you think it made me feel to know he could not "sacrifice" a few minutes of TV to be with me in bed?

You guys are making me out to be worse, I think, than I was. I do know I made a lot of mistakes

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Well, if I am guilty, then I apologize. I don't mean to make you sound worse. I am trying to help you see areas for growth.

Yeah, I definitely need to read more books on the differences of men and woman. I've got Men Are From Mars, and Brain Sex, that I will definitely read. And I've read enough of The 5 Love Languages to get the gist of it, but I will finish reading that. I forgot that just because I receive love primarily through physical touch, my wife doesn't necessarily receive love as much that way. She doesn't. She is about quality time and services. I have studied a lot of material from a guy named Reb Bradley, as well, about how to be the "ultimate" husband. I found his material very insightful. I also have great books on being an attractive man (mostly personality-wise). I started re-reading those. Are these the types of skills you are referring to, Sandi?

Reading these books, is getting the information you need. Applying what you learn will become skills. Yes, these are good sources! I encourage you to discipline yourself to study them, and don't skim over the content. It seems you need a lot of information about men-women relationships and the differences in the two genders.

I've seen you mention cards she'd give you and how you thought it meant things were fine, and you seriously believed the printed verses in the cards. Have you noticed that all these type of store-bought cards are written with flowery words of love? I don't understand your decisions to not seriously take her verbal requests, but yet, you get "confused" about how a card is worded. Maybe that's just me.